<![CDATA[Satellite TV support forum & Digital TV support forum. - Wavey's Jokes Corner (May contain nuts)]]> http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/ Got a joke? Why not share it. Please observe the forum language guidelines. Please do not enter if you are easily offended. en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:52:00 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/images/misc/rss.jpg <![CDATA[Satellite TV support forum & Digital TV support forum. - Wavey's Jokes Corner (May contain nuts)]]> http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/ <![CDATA[It's all a matter of perception]]> http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163519-its-all-matter-perception.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:36:23 GMT Choose your profession carefully Image: http://www.satellite-newbie.co.uk/Topper/sue.png Choose your profession carefully

]]> Topper http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163519-its-all-matter-perception.html <![CDATA[Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!']]> http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163518-major-general-peter-cosgrove-australian-treasure.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:31:16 GMT General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to... General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
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]]> Topper http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163518-major-general-peter-cosgrove-australian-treasure.html Mental wellbeing http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163376-mental-wellbeing.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:48:00 GMT Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays that you are now of sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?' ]]> Topper http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163376-mental-wellbeing.html The real reason http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163350-real-reason.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:23:49 GMT The real reason why women are reluctant to go on holiday with their husbands The real reason why women are reluctant to go on holiday with their husbands
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]]> Topper http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163350-real-reason.html The deer French http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163310-deer-french.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 07:26:29 GMT A rerun but well worth a new read :)



Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended. :-rofl2 ]]> dig deep http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163310-deer-french.html poor james http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163282-poor-james.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 18:20:45 GMT Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"What happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the kerb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.":eek:

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.":eek:

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.":eek:

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 240 volts shot through him.":eek:

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking the bloody house."
__________________ ]]> hoggy http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163282-poor-james.html three guys http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163236-three-guys.html Sat, 14 Nov 2009 22:07:41 GMT Three guys work on a construction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunch bag and sighs deeply, saying, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building." The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says " If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says "I'm with you guys."
The next day the lunch bell rings. The white man opens his lunch. He says, "Turkey sandwich. I love my wife." The black guy opens his lunch. He says, "Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said "HAM AGAIN! See ya guys." With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says " I feel sorry for him." The white man replies, "I'm not, he packs his own lunch.":eek:


]]> hoggy http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163236-three-guys.html Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Stewardess http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163099-frozen-crabs-blonde-stewardess.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:05:42 GMT A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen and mentioned in a haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she allowed them to thaw out. Needless to say she was very annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York she announced over the intercom to the entire plane load of people "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand".

Not one hand went up ..... so she carried them off the plane (still frozen), took them home and enjoyed a delightful crab dinner.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think! ]]> Topper http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163099-frozen-crabs-blonde-stewardess.html very rich lawyer http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163097-very-rich-lawyer.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:54:34 GMT A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?":-rofl2 ]]> hoggy http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/163097-very-rich-lawyer.html Who Wants to be a Millionaire? http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162985-who-wants-millionaire.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:09:49 GMT Sally, a contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached
the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win £1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected the million pound question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot..... She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her ask the audience lifeline.....

All that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because.... her friend

Was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
Question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy.... The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer
Except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the
logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million
pounds.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, 'said the contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted!!!! ]]> Topper http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162985-who-wants-millionaire.html Doing the rounds http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162984-doing-rounds.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:04:42 GMT A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night ‚ she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'
'Well ‚ husband No 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband No 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
'Husband No 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
'Husband No 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order‚ he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
'Husband No 5 was an Engineer‚ he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research‚ implement‚ and design a new state of the-art method.
'Husband No6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband No 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product‚ he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband No 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband No 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
'Husband No 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.
'But now that I've married you‚ I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful' ‚ said the husband‚'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.' ]]> Topper http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162984-doing-rounds.html Eastern European Scam!!! http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162981-eastern-european-scam.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:00:28 GMT Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.


Simply dropping into ASDA for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. It's happened to me personally.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift home.

You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you. While you are distracted, the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also September 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

P.S. Tesco's have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but ASDA are £1.75 and look better ]]> hoggy http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162981-eastern-european-scam.html The new Ferrari Italia http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162888-new-ferrari-italia.html Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:04:52 GMT A very nice car :) A very nice car :)
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]]> dig deep http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162888-new-ferrari-italia.html Retirement bonus http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162855-retirement-bonus.html Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:33:36 GMT Shamelessly nicked off another forum The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The... Shamelessly nicked off another forum




The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'


:toke: ]]> Analoguesat http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162855-retirement-bonus.html Doctor http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162853-doctor.html Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:06:45 GMT A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

'So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.






'I put drops in her eyes!' :-rofl2 ]]> hoggy http://www.satellites.co.uk/satellite/waveys-jokes-corner-may-contain-nuts/162853-doctor.html