True story from my cousin.

**Topper** · 4 Weeks Ago

12 years of Socialism and the Dead Hand of Central Govt:

A funny story, sad but true.

Being a Monty Python fan I thought I'd share with you what happened today when I took the contents of the garage I hire to keep my jeep in to the Council Tip, loaded into the back of said jeep..........

Tip Man ( TM ): 'Ello mate, can I 'elp yer? ......... Tip Man is polite, dead-pan, and professional, he has cauliflower ears and a bent nose. Obviously not the sort of chap to cross.
Me: Yes, where do I put these motorbike tyres? ....... As I undid the bungy cords holding the load on.
TM: Well mate, before you undo them cords, have you got a licence?
Me: Licence? What sort of licence?
TM: A tipping licence.
Me: I didn't need one last time I came with my car.
TM: Ah, no licence. Y'see mate, your vehicle is classed as a flatbed truck and needs a licence, top o' that them postcard and card stands is retail and retail needs a special licence.
Me: But it's a jeep.
TM: Yeah, I can see that, it 'asn't gorra roof either.
Me: It has but it's folded down.
TM: Ah, azit got winnders in?
Me: Yes, there's a window in the back.
TM: Worrabout the sides, azit got winnders in the sides?
Mw: No. it's just a roof, no sides.
TM: Ah, then it's a van see. Vans need a licence cos they're commercial, see.
Me: ( Smiling, as is Tip Man ).... What's Plan-B then?
TM: We gerrover ter th'office ter phone HQ fer instructions.

At the " office ", a converted container from Shanghai Maru, he phoned HQ and put me onto a charming but robotic lady who took my name, address, phone number, and reg number and wanted to know exactly what was in the jeep and exactly what sort of a jeep it was. She explained that she would make a special case for me as I was innocent of any transgressions and was " on site ", however should I arrive again I would need to apply for the licence 7 days in advance. However, should I arrive in my normal car I would not need a licence at all.............................................
Moreover, she went on to explain that I was allowed to dump 5 tyres per year and one car battery, therefore I had 2 tyres to go but no more batteries.

Being the splendid chap I am I was politeness itself and thanked the Androidess profusely for her patience and apologised for causing so much trouble. She said that it was no trouble and that they were there to help. I handed the 'phone back to Tip Man.

TM: Right mate, she sez yer can dump rubbish but yer can't dump them card 'olders.
Me: Oh, I thought she said I could because they are metal.
TM: No mate, sorry. If weer found out wi them int skip it's more that our jobsworth.
Me: Can I squash them with a hammer and then bring them in, in my car?
TM: ( Smiling with a hint of irony )... Aye, or chuck in t'wheely-bin!
Me: So this is the result of 12 years of the Dead Hand of Socialist central control and regulation!
TM: Aye mate, it's bin like this fer 4 year now, bloody daft!

So having dumped the stuff into the respective re-cycling skips I looked into the metal skip and saw that it contained several items similar to my card racks.

Me: There are some other racks in the metal skip just like mine except they're chrome plated CD stands.
TM: What! In t'skip? Ow did they get there, I'll get shot!

Loading the illegal card stands into the jeep I thought I'd have another word with him. I eventually found him around the corner supervising the removal of a skip of rubble.

Me: Just off now so thanks for your help and assistance ( bullshitting at warp factor 10 ).
TM: It were nowt mate, just 'ere ter 'elp.
Me: I've had another look in the skip and it does have several similar bits in just like mine.
TM: ( Winking ).. Reet mate, Ah've got mi back turned an no-one's loookin' so chuck 'em in.

My faith in Human Nature was restored...............

I clapped him on the shoulder, thanked him again, and promptly threw the offending card stands into the skip.
Sic transit gloria mundi.

***Tivù*** · 4 Weeks Ago

Originally Posted by Topper

Sic transit ....

I thought you said it was a Jeep?

**Topper** · 4 Weeks Ago

Originally Posted by Tivù

I thought you said it was a Jeep?

Well after I dosed it with anitbiotics I was able to glean that the Latin meant

"Thus passes the glory of the world"

I did Latin at school but my cousin must have been better versed in it than myself

**Analoguesat** · 4 Weeks Ago

Yeah the waste disposal system is ridiculous.

Ive got loads of broken equipment at work. There are suitable recycling bins for all of it up at the local tip, so none would go to landfill

the small electronics skip for broken video players old kettles etc
a container for old tvs & broken monitors

etc etc

However as its come out of a council building and got Portable Appliance Testing stickers and identifying marks on them its now industrial waste and will cost 10-20 quid an item to dispose of....

Sandpaper and an old chisel come in handy at times

***Vipersan*** · 4 Weeks Ago

Here's one for you ..
I used to put my electrical waste from my small repair shop in my wheelie bin ..as the shop is part domestic accomodation ...
In other words ..a house with a shop front.
Until I was informed of the rule changes ...and that I required a private contract to remove the waste ...which roughly equates to about a rubble sack full ..once a month.
I do not drive ..so enquired of the council operative what my options were..
I was told I could sort it out privately or could accept the councils pre-paid blue sack business waste collection service..
which ammounts to 50 pre-paid thin plastic sacks at £1.50 each..to be collected by them when full.
The sacks arrived ..and I thought the deal good value until I realised these sacks were unsuitable for anything other than paper ..as they are so thin and tear just looking at them sideways..
I went out and bought heavy duty rubble sacks ..to line the inside of the blu bags..
A month later I had one filled and left it out by my domestic wheelie bin ..
..and there it stayed ...bin men came and bin men went ..
the thin blue sack eventually burst ..and its contents spilled onto the pavement..
3 weeks later I contacted the council again and asked when the might be collecting the rubbish ..now in a second pre-paid sack..
'''erm I dont know was the reply as I don't know which department is responsible ..or even if we provide such as service..
..but you've had my money in advance ...and I signed a contract..I moaned..
Leave it with me said the man ...I'll see what I can find out and get back to you..
2 more days passed ..and no reply ..
Bin collection day came round again ...and the bin waggon pulled up outside my shop ..
A very pleasant though rough looking chap came got out and entered the shop..
I believe you have some rubbish you need shifting ? he said ..
Yes I said ..and explained the whole story ..again ..
Give it here he said ..
..but you are the domestic wheelie service I said ..
Indeed I am he said ...and slung the bag into the cart ...with the rest of the emptied domestic wheelie bin contents for the street..
In future he said ...just leave your blue sack by the bin and I'll deal with it in the same way..
NO Probs says I ..just glad to see the back of it..

So it seems the service they offer is non existant ...and the councils commitment to re-cycling is just a load of bo!!ocks ...as my electrical wast just gets dumped with the rest ..
The council are happy cos the get some extra wedge out of me to help fill the 'black hole' in the civil service pension pot..
c'est la vie..
VS

**PaulR** · 4 Weeks Ago

My wife had some dirty white spirit to dispose of after cleaning a load of paint brushes. She rang up the council and asked where she could take it to dispose of it.

They asked her how much she had (about a pint) and they told her that she could pour it down the grid in the road! Apparently the rain water system can cope with small quantities like this.

I couldn't bear to do this and I think in the end I set fire to it dispose of it.

I now pour all my waste engine oil down the drain - no I don't. Just messin' with your mind. The rest is true though.

**rolfw** · 4 Weeks Ago

Absolutely ludicrous, I can no longer take customers' old aerials away, as I need a license to carry trade waste.

**Analoguesat** · 4 Weeks Ago

A slightly different vein but still ludicrous:

Heard the one about the shop worker in Tayside who was told she couldnt sing whilst stacking shelves unless she had a performing licence??

_http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/8317952.stm

The only reason she was singing was the shop radio had been banned by the performing rights people as members of the public could hear it........

You couldnt make it up could you?

***Vipersan*** · 4 Weeks Ago

Originally Posted by Analoguesat

A slightly different vein but still ludicrous:

Heard the one about the shop worker in Tayside who was told she couldnt sing whilst stacking shelves unless she had a performing licence??

_http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/8317952.stm

The only reason she was singing was the shop radio had been banned by the performing rights people as members of the public could hear it........

You couldnt make it up could you?

Oh ...I've had those guys on the phone as well ..
Do I have a licence to play music in my shop ..
But I don't says I ..
I don't play a radio as it distracts me when I'm repairing TV's Radios ..and Hi-fis etc ..
But I do have to turn them on ..to test and repair them ..
Thats ok says the guy on the phone ...so long as you don't 'play' them when the customers are in the shop..

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