Noah's Ark - 2008

Analoguesat

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England,and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British government are beating me to it."

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Analoguesat's message to the world Analogue forever! RIP BBC2 analogue on all Scottish Borders transmitters, switched off 0031GMT November 6th 2008 Final analogue switch off from all Scottish Borders transmitters - BBC1 ITV C4 & C5 - 0010GMT November 20th 2008.

HB13DISH

Nice one.

Topper

Yes I suppose two years is long enough for people to have forgotten, does this mean I should start posting again from the beginning

Rebuilding Noah's ark

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War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left!

Formerly toppervte33h
whose six pack has turned into a keg

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Freddie Flintoff is back

Analoguesat

I cant remember whats happened last week let alone 2 years ago

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Analoguesat's message to the world Analogue forever! RIP BBC2 analogue on all Scottish Borders transmitters, switched off 0031GMT November 6th 2008 Final analogue switch off from all Scottish Borders transmitters - BBC1 ITV C4 & C5 - 0010GMT November 20th 2008.

PaulR

That long huh?

I mislaid my car keys at work (in a school) yesterday. Had my room upside down, emptied the bins out in the staff room in case they'd fallen in there (delightful after all the tea bags and lunch residues had been thrown in there) and phoned my wife up in case she'd picked them up after she had been in during the morning. I even got her to drive out to pick me up as I was resigned to leaving my car in the car park.

We had some more looking around and asked the cleaners if they'd seen them! Eventually wife said "HAve you looked in your jacket?" I said I had - twice so she looked again and there they were in the left hand pocket!!!!

Now I have absolutely no recollection of putting them there and even when I DO put them in my jacket I put them in the right hand pocket as I'm right handed.

I just losing it gradually...

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PaulR

As I get older I find myself thinking about the hereafter - I go into a room and then wonder what I'm here after.