Haynes Manuals Translations in to real termsGot a joke?
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Haynes Manuals Translations in to real termsGot a joke?
Why not share it. Please observe the forum language guidelines. | |
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20-08-2009
| #1 | ||
| Amo Amas Amant Admin  Join Date: 18-11-2004 Location: Blackburn NW England (Siberia)
Posts: 11287
Thanks: 24
Thanked 506 Times in 465 Posts
My System: IDD CI24 ECONO MM Penta 1.20 Galaxy II 1.2Mtr Polar MTG yes it has been on the arc for 21 years and is still driven by a modified wiper motor from a Ford Anglia. It's like me sometimes groans but always performs  Saved us from the black plague of ignoratio elenchi, he awaits a special badge with jugs |
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Ping... what the hell was that? Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly". Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to bugger it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teeny,weeny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - But don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation:RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat Did you recognise any of the above situations?????????????? | ||
| War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left! Formerly toppervte33h whose six pack has turned into a keg Help support this web site by making a donation Or use other options to help support Sats UK Show Your Support by clicking the button  Thank you. Freddie Flintoff is back | |||
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20-08-2009
| #2 | |||
| Toute Ronde Bon Oeuf  Real name: Gordon Join Date: 29-05-2009 Location: North Yorks Moors
Posts: 1827
Thanks: 42
Thanked 169 Times in 163 Posts
My System: Triax 1.1m and Orbital 80cm Motorised Dishes. Various fixed Dishes. Eclectic selection of Digital and Analogue Receivers. Complex switching and distribution that SWMBO cannot fathom. Nor me. |
To quote Churchill: "Oh, yes!" (The dog, not the Statesman) | |||
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20-08-2009
| #3 | ||
| Regular Member Join Date: 29-12-2007 Location: Cornwall, UK
Posts: 208
Thanks: 24
Thanked 14 Times in 14 Posts
My System: Sky Freesat in UK, Astra 1 ana/dig in UK using Technomate -5000 DAPCI, Astra 2 South Beam and Eurobird in Spain. | [Did you recognise any of the above situations??????????????] Certainly did. Always thought it was just me! | ||
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20-08-2009
| #4 | ||
| The Consumate Dreamer  Join Date: 01-01-2000 Location: Somewhere where the Sauer is Kraut and the Wurst is Brat
Posts: 5489
Thanks: 162
Thanked 158 Times in 108 Posts
Blog Entries: 5 My System: I bet on red. If I lose, I double the bet on red again. I continue with this until I lost everything.  Muhuhuhahahahahaaaaarrrgggh | Having to write a lot of instruction manuals, this one is a great post  | ||
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20-08-2009
| #5 | ||
| Dazed and Confused Mod  Join Date: 28-06-2003 Location: Wirral, NW England
Posts: 3489
Thanks: 1
Thanked 89 Times in 86 Posts
My System: Various digiboxes, broken Nokia 9800S, numerous analogue boxes. My lovely little lappy, HP Omnibook 6100 | Yes, a great post. Haynes manuals are also known colloquially as the BoL or Book of Lies! By a strange coincidence there's a radio programme on Haynes coming up on Radio 4 on Friday the 21st of August at 1100 BST. | ||
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20-08-2009
| #6 | ||
| The Consumate Dreamer Join Date: 01-01-2000 Location: Somewhere where the Sauer is Kraut and the Wurst is Brat
Posts: 5489
Thanks: 162
Thanked 158 Times in 108 Posts
Blog Entries: 5 My System: I bet on red. If I lose, I double the bet on red again. I continue with this until I lost everything. Muhuhuhahahahahaaaaarrrgggh | Lol I took the list and exchanged "Haynes" with our company name and distributed it to my colleagues | ||
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20-08-2009
| #7 | ||
| Regular Member  Real name: Chris Join Date: 20-07-2009 Location: South Coast, Hampshire
Posts: 88
Thanks: 9
Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts
Blog Entries: 1 My System: Currently, Nokia 1800S with satscan, analogue receiver, Nokia 9800S, D box with DVB2000, 90cm solid offset dish, Panasonic tv with inbuilt freesat. Sky + HD (for the wife, mostly!) | Loved the post. I laughed so much the tears ran down my leg. I was at the Haynes Museum about a month ago and in their shop you can buy a Haynes Manual for the Lunar Lander! Honestly, I kid you not. I nearly bought one but my wife wouldn't let me have a Lunar Lander in the back garden to work on! | ||
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20-08-2009
| #8 | ||
| Regular Member Real name: Chris Join Date: 20-07-2009 Location: South Coast, Hampshire
Posts: 88
Thanks: 9
Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts
Blog Entries: 1 My System: Currently, Nokia 1800S with satscan, analogue receiver, Nokia 9800S, D box with DVB2000, 90cm solid offset dish, Panasonic tv with inbuilt freesat. Sky + HD (for the wife, mostly!) | While we are on the subject of cars. Did you hear the tale about the shipment of Japanese cars that arrived at Southampton docks without any gearboxes. An urgent request was sent to the manufacturers to send some gearboxes as fast as possible. So the manufacturers hired the biggest transport aircraft they could and got a main stockholding warehouse, of theirs, in India, to load it with as many gearboxes as they could. The plane took off but, shortly after, ran into bad weather and had trouble staying in the air. To save themselves the crew started to ditch the cargo out of the rear door. Down below a little old Indian guy was busy tending his fields when gearboxes started to fall all around him. Looking up to the sky he said "Oh my God, it is raining Datsun cogs. | ||
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21-08-2009
| #9 | ||
| The Consumate Dreamer Join Date: 01-01-2000 Location: Somewhere where the Sauer is Kraut and the Wurst is Brat
Posts: 5489
Thanks: 162
Thanked 158 Times in 108 Posts
Blog Entries: 5 My System: I bet on red. If I lose, I double the bet on red again. I continue with this until I lost everything. Muhuhuhahahahahaaaaarrrgggh | Lol nice one | ||
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