The English, Scottish and Irish man joke thread...

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

OK before I begin I hope there is no offence taken to any jokes told in this thread, as we all know there are thousands of these jokes floating around, there is no malice or racism intended or implied and these jokes are only told in the spirit in which they are intended, to make us laugh.
If any offence is taken then please let me or the moderators know and they will be deleted immediately, I myself am 1/3 irish and I'm sure there's a joke even in that statement !!



The jokes:




An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English b****** and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland b******s and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

OK now a bit of English Bashing, if you cannot laugh at yourself then your screwed...

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad; the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Dermot said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over.
Dermot looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange so he brought Tony in to identify the body. Tony took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
"Well, Paddy had two assholes" said Tony
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes"

[BGonaSTICK]

Originally Posted by Rod Hulls Aerial I myself am 1/3 irish and I'm sure there's a joke even in that statement !!

Well unless you're also 1/3 Scottish, then you better rename the thread "The English, Irish and Englishman joke thread..."

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

English Irish and welsh... oh god I'm doomed !!!!

[BGonaSTICK]

OMG!

RHA ushers in a new era in regionalist comedy!

Unfortunately, I have some Welsh blood too.
I'm working on a project to isolate and extract it, and when I succeed, I'll be mailing it straight back over the Severn Bridge...

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

Flushing it down the toilet will have the same satisfying effect...
If you do manage to extract the "welsh" gene please let me know, I'll send you several strands of my DNA if it would help your experiment ?
Please advise preference:

regular or mitrochondrial... and would you like fries with that ?

[PaulR]

My great grandfather came over from Transylvania - got any jokes about that?

PaulR

[BGonaSTICK]

Originally Posted by PaulR My great grandfather came over from Transylvania - got any jokes about that? PaulR

Cool. I wonder what a Welsh-Transylvanian would turn out like?!?

There would be a sharp rise in the number of Vampire Sheep reported I suspect!

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

What do you call 3 sheep tied to a lamp post in Swansea ?




Leisure Centre

(I would also accept "scared")