Some Of Tommys Best Gags!

**waverider** · 02-03-2005

Sometimes I drink my whisky neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt hanging out.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog just died.'

Two arials meet on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.

I backed this horse at twenty to one - it came in at half past four. It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the stables.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.

I've been offered a part in a film. It's a very sympathetic part. Very sympathetic. I'll give you a rough idea of what it is. The scene opens. It's a thatched cottage, all made of thatch. There's violins going. There's a dear old lady sitting in an armchair, there. And a dear old man sitting in an armchair, there. There's a baby in a cot, and a dog on the mat. And I have this very sympathetic part. I creep in through the door, and hit the old man on the top of the head. He doesn't say much, he just goes 'ooh'. It wasn't loud, it was just 'ooh'. Then I stab the old lady in the back. She doesn't like it. Then I strangle the baby. Now, this is where the sympathetic part comes in. On the way out, I pat the dog.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week... pulled a mussel !

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's not unusual!"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down.""What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Hey! Don't you start!"

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."

I rang the local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you are calling from."

So I rang up a local building firm. I said "I want a skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."

A farmer rings up the vet and says "two of me chickens have stopped laying' "The vet says "really, how do you know?" The farmer says "I just ran over them with me tractor."

I used to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink.

Was in the attic last night with the wife, filthy, smelly and full of cobwebs...but shes good with the kids..

So I bought some scuba diving gear and went for a dive..... I went like that.. (swimming with one arm)... I had to swim like that... (swimming with one arm)... cos I had the instructions in the other hand!
So I got down there... 30 foot down... there's this bloke!.... 3 piece suit... overcoat... umbrella.... and a bowler hat!
So I said to him..... so what you doing down here? 30 foot down... 3 piece suit... overcoat... umbrella... and a bowler hat?
Bloke says..... I'm drowning!