more extremely lame jokes.

spiney

2 weeks ago itv1 showed Goldmember, to "celebrate" this I posted some very poor jokes ...

Tonight they're showing the 1st Austin Powers film, basically a very long sex-aid gag (making the Carry On films seem highly intellectual!). I've nothing against sex-aid gags - there's a very good one in spoof film Top Secret - but surely 95 minutes is stretching it too far?

Anyway, here we go (again). Warning: the following may contain residual traces of humour, and any resemblance to real jokes - living or dead - is purely coincidental.

Why did the pigeon cross the road?

To peck to the other side.

What's black and white and red all over?

A squished zebra (or maybe the pigeon didn't make it).

What's purple and swings through the trees?

Tinky Winky on amphetamines.

What's yellow and dangerous?

An angry cornflake intent on revenge.

How do you make a venetian blind?

That's very difficult, so just go out and buy one.

A man sees a bear, and whichever way he faces his compass always shows "south", so what colour is it?

White (because the North Pole is always white!).

How many elephants can you get into a Mini?

Most people think "4", but they always forget about the boot!

How do you get a Learjet into a Mini (after removing elephants)?

Ah, it won't fit through the door, so the only way is to completely dissemble it, then reassemble it actually inside the Mini. Impressive trick, but takes ages (and voids the airworthiness certificate!).

How do you get an Ariane 5 into a Mini?

Dismantle the Learjet (again), then just open the sunroof.

How to you get to Sirius in a Mini?

Use the hyperspatial drive.

That's probably as much as most people can stand .......

PS, stuck for Christmas presents? Then try:

www.mcphee.com/categories/weird.html .