Jokes Post's

Zorba

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

* * * * *

caretaker

Guess who i bumped into at Specsavers today?..Everyone..

prof

Try this one;
Using google search type- weapons of mass destruction
and click on I'm feeling lucky

Zorba

Posh spice has been allegedly having an afair with Michael Jackson !
But Jackson denies it.........
says he was in Brooklyn at the time!!

net1

Top 8 US Morons of 2003



1.WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He
received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.

2.WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Police in Oakland, California
spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3.WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is
this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This
is
her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven
Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch
without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket

8. THE GRAND FINALE.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new
to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After
about
an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina,
thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The
engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.... Under the boat, still strapped securely
in place, was the trailer.

net1

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post. A £40 speeding ticket was
included.


Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of £40.


The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


__________________________________________________ _________________________




A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Policeman
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policeman's
Ball."


He replied, "Policemen don't have balls."


There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Nismo400R

The owner of a large drug store walks in to find
a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner
asks the clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says: "Well, he came in here this morning
to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the
cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxative."

The owner says:
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of
laxative"!

The clerk says: "Of course you can! Look at him,
he's afraid to cough!

__________________
I suffer from a split personality and cant be held responsible for what he says...

techn0beatnik

Whats the differance between a primary school and a brothel.
.....
.....
Dont know....

You guys make me sick!

PaulR

Ethel’s Weelchair

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and 'Mad Harry' stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a
licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit
Kat wrapper and held it out for him. "OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, 'Weird Ron' popped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drinks mat and held it up to him. Ron nodded and said, "Carry on ma'am!"

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, 'Crazy Craig' stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh god" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

Zorba

Off The Beaten Track
-------------------------

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.

"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.

"Oh no" she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."

With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

waverider

Mary the Irish Catholic lady has a problem with her parrots and pops in for a cup of tea and a chat with her local Irish Priest. "Well der problem I have wiv me birds is that every time someone passes me winder, they shout out we are a pair of prostitutes, fancy a F**k!" "Dear mother of Christ" replies the sympathetic man of the cloth..."Yer know, I have two parrots Mary and I have trained dem to pray and use der rosary beads me dear" Mary is amazed "Bless yer father, tis a holy ting yer hav done there" "Tell yer what though Mary, God has given me a truly good idea for yer...bring yer parrots round here termorrow and we will put dem in the cage wiv me two holy birds who will clean dere souls and speech"....."God praise yer...I shall bring dem tomorrow first ting" replies Mary............Next morning sure enough there is a knock at the door and there stands Mary with her two parrots in a cage cussing and shrieking out foul language, the priest shows Mary into the front room were upon she notices his two parrots in a cage one reading the bible, the other praying with it's Rosary beads. And so in go Mary's two birds followed by utter silence.....then Mary's birds shriek out "Hey we are a pair of prostitutes fancy a F***?" next the Priest parrots say " Hey Jack put the F*****g Rosary beads away mate our prayers have finally been answered!"

Nismo400R

Having a bad day?

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.

Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers.

Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable tomove, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside this refrigerator...."

__________________
I suffer from a split personality and cant be held responsible for what he says...

waverider

This nutter walks into the dentist's on April the 1st and demands to have all his teeth extracted....after 1/2 a litre of cocain injections and two hours of grunting and pulling the dentist completes his task........with a gummy mouth pouring with blood the nutter spins round in the chair and cries " Aprool full I only wanded a haircuth"

rob43

a man walks into a chemists and asks the pretty young assistant for a durex. "what size do you want" she asks. the man said he didn´t know. so the assistant said to him, "go round the back of the shop and you´ll see a fence with a series of graduated holes. just try each hole until you find the correct one, then come and tell me what the hole number was. the man went off and didn´t come back for twenty minutes. "well" said the assistant, "what size durex do you want" to which the man replied. "forget about the durex, how much do you want for the fence?

rob43

Two girls walking down the street in spain on holiday. The sun is burning and they are very hot.
1st girl: “do you think we should take our knickers off? It might cool us down.”
2nd girl: “I don´t think so, it might be frowned upon.” They walk down to a market place and spot an old lady eating an enormous piece of melon, sitting on a bench, knickerless and legs asplay.
The 1st girl approaches: “is it cooler like that?”
Old lady: “I don´t know about that, but it certainly keeps the flies off my melon!”

rob43

Two mates, fred & john, go fishing every morning, and have done for the past twenty years. One morning fred doesn´t turn up. John just can´t believe it, and next day when fred turns up as usual, john asked the reason for his absence the previous morning. “I got married” came the reply. “wow! She must be a real cracker for you to miss a days fishing.” “no not really, she´s as ugly as hell, and makes me vomit!”
“she must be stinking rich then” says john. No she´s not mate, in fact I had to pay off her debts.”
“well what the hell is it about her that makes her worth missing a days fishing?”
“shes got worms!!!!”

rob43

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Confused, she says, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
"It's like this," he replied, "yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

"So, I figure if I have to roll my own so does she."

Channel Hopper

A little girl goes........


into the pet shop.


"Excuse me Mr. Man have you got a nice fluffy bunny rabbit ?"


The pet shop owner decides to play along with the little girls requests.


"Why, yes little girl we have white ones, black ones, brown ones and even ones with floppy ears" says the man "which one would you like ?"




"I'm sure my pet python wouldn't give a shit" says the little girl.

__________________
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

rob43

CH that was a cracker.

A man walked into a public toilet where he found two cubicles, of which one
was already occupied. So he entered the other one, closed the door, dropped
his trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to him:
"Hello mate, how are you going?" He thought it a bit strange but not
wanting to be rude he replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short
pause, he heard the voice again: "So, what are you up to mate?" Again he
answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, he
replied "Umm, I'm just having a quick poo, really. How about yourself?" He
then heard the voice for the third time.....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

caretaker

Man to car dealer,"that car you sold me last week,wont go past 80 up our hill". What do you want it to go past 80 up a hill for?"."Because I live at 84.".

Rod Hulls Aerial

I got a text message the other day which read:

£gewttoi oewie iflew97tr T^*& ewR $£^

$£^%£ t43%£6£6 ETRG ^%y 45 $%Y$6

%$^$^ $Y$%^y4 ^u65uj7^ijyjtYTR yt ytj




Sender: Stevie Wonder

__________________
What's got four legs and goes "shhhhhhhhhh"?
Rod Hull's Telly......

Rod Hulls Aerial

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

__________________
What's got four legs and goes "shhhhhhhhhh"?
Rod Hull's Telly......

Rod Hulls Aerial

A burglar breaks into this house and he comes into a room with no lights on. He walks into the middle of the room and he suddenly here's this voice "Jesus is watching you" he turns round and in a dark corner of the room he sees a parrot and so he goes across to it. The parrot says again "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks at the parrot funnily and then asks, "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence" The burglar then says, "That's a stupid name for a parrot, which idiot called you that?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot that called the rotweiler JESUS"

__________________
What's got four legs and goes "shhhhhhhhhh"?
Rod Hull's Telly......

Rod Hulls Aerial

-------------------------------PRESS RELEASE---------------------------------
Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.


Thats all for tonight !!!!!

__________________
What's got four legs and goes "shhhhhhhhhh"?
Rod Hull's Telly......

Zorba

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said. “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”