Jokes Post's

***Jaffer*** · 01-10-2004

Originally Posted by Rod Hulls Aerial

I got a text message the other day which read:

£gewttoi oewie iflew97tr T^*& ewR $£^

$£^%£ t43%£6£6 ETRG ^%y 45 $%Y$6

%$^$^ $Y$%^y4 ^u65uj7^ijyjtYTR yt ytj

Sender: Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder is wondering if you had nice time with Nurse Nancy that evening. How come you could not read it when all of us can read.

Well Aerial, tell us, any thing interesting about Nancy - Of course we understand it will all be backwards. LOL.........

**Striker10** · 02-10-2004

hi all,

A guy is caught doing the rizz with his personal assistant. After much pleading his wife agrees to stand by her man, giving him another chance. Anyway in the office a week later the thermostats broken down so he opens the window to let in some fresh air, the only problem is it's windy and his papers are moving about the place so he call's over his personal assistant to help him. His wife enters " For f**k sake George! I've only been gone for 5 minutes and your screwing the bitch again" to wit he replies " Leave it out woman! I'm only using her as a fu**ing paperweight.

***kleefarr*** · 08-10-2004

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was
impossible for their generation to understand his. "You
grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have
television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy,
computers..."Taking advantage of a pause in the student's
litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those
things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you
doing for the next generation??"

***kleefarr*** · 08-10-2004

A travelling salesman, completing a trip earlier than anticipated,
sent his wife a telegram, "Returning home Friday."
Arriving home, he found his wife in bed with another man. Being a
person of non-violence, he complained to his father-in-law, who said, "I'm
sure there must be an explanation."
The next day the father-in-law was all smiles. "I knew there was an
explanation. She didn't get your telegram."

***Rod Hulls Aerial*** · 09-10-2004

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

**caretaker** · 09-10-2004

Two old men talking. first asked"Hows sex at 65"? "Not bad", replied the second gent. "But it is a lot better at number 67".

***Zorba*** · 10-10-2004

* * * * *
A house wife got tired of being alone everyday since her husband Phil was at work and her 3 daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and tells him that she wants a talking parrot. The clerk tells her that they do have 1 talking parrot, but that she wouldn't like him.

''Why not? '' She asks.

''Well, he has been around a bit and has picked up some colourful language, and you did say that you have a family,'' he replied.

''Well, my girls are old enough and they've heard it all. Just let me see him.''

The clerk finally agrees to show the lady the parrot and she insists on purchasing it right away. When she got home she covered the cage with a towel and went to get dinner ready for the family.

When she uncovered the cage, ''Brawkk!'' said the parrot, looking around. ''New place. New Madam. Morning Madam.''

''Uh, morning parrot,'' she said and then went to make breakfast. A few minutes later her daughters game down stairs, dressed and ready for school.

''Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Morning Girls.''

''Morning Parrot,'' they replied and went to help their mother get breakfast ready. Soon the man of the house came down unshaven and in his bathrobe.

''Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Same old customers. Morning Phil!''

***kleefarr*** · 12-10-2004

A man was flying from London Heathrow to Athens. Unexpectedly, the
plane stopped in Rome along the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The
man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was
blind because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in
front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had
flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him,
and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Rome for
almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to
stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when
they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered in panic.
Not only did they try to change planes, but they also tried to change
airlines!

True story . . . Have a great day and remember . . . things aren't
always as they appear.

***rob43*** · 16-10-2004

A Jamaican fireman (don't forget the accent)

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says 'Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted
'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?"asked her fireman husband.
She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you aint nowhere near de fire

**waverider** · 16-10-2004

LOL....That's a goodon Rob.....How about this one then!...A poor family sends thier virgin daughter out on the streets to earn money for food...she waits all night in the cold and rain on a street corner until finaly she has a customer ..... who happens to be a Jamaican. They go back to his place and she is shown through the door, as she walks in the house she thinks how can I keep my virginity?....Well the poor girl had not eaten for two days all but drinking a bottle of lemonade!..as she reluctantly walks up the stairs and through the gas of the lemonade she farts!....and thinks "that's it if I fart a lot he may think I am a dirty old Whore!".......And so every other step she does so until she is nearly at the top...and thinks "God this bloke must be a bit deaf....I'm gonna let off a really bigun to make sure he hears".....so grabbing onto the bannister lifts her leg up and lets go of one that Will Young would be proud of!....Keerrrruump!... with that the Jamaican looks up at her and say's " Thats all right honey you keep fartin...cos when you sees what eyes got for you...yous gonna sh*t yourself!"

***Rod Hulls Aerial*** · 16-10-2004

2 mice in the airing cupboard........ which ones in the army ?
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The one on the tank of course !

***Rod Hulls Aerial*** · 16-10-2004

A man goes to the Doctors and says, "On Monday I felt like Mickey Mouse, On Tuesday I felt like Donald Duck, and on Wednesday I felt like Pluto"

The Doctor replies, "Tell me - How long have you been having these DISNEY SPELLS ?"
.
.
A man goes to the Doctors with a lettuce leaf hanging out of his ar5e. He bends over and asks the Doctor to take a look at it.

The Doctor looks and shakes his head.

The man says, "Is it serious ?"

The Doctor says, "I'm afraid it's just the tip of the Iceberg"

.
.
A man goes to the Doctors with a steering wheel down the front of his underpants. The Doctor says, "What's that doing there ?"

The man says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts !"

.
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A Man goes to the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, " I'll give you some cream to put on that ".
.
.

Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home"

Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"

Man: "Is it common ?"

Doc: "It's not unusual !"
.
.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts !"
.
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Man: "Doctor I can't say my F's, T's and H's"

Doc: "Well you can't say fairer than that then !"

***rob43*** · 20-10-2004

i did like that last one about the jamaican wavy, try saying beercan!

A Blind man enters an "all woman" bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar a stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke? The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

1. The bartender is a blonde woman
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman
3, The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and
5. I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD. a black belt in
karate and a very bad attitude. Now think about it seriously, Mister. do you still want to tell that joke;

"Nah..not if I'M gonna have to explain it five times

***rob43*** · 23-10-2004

a cabbie picks up a nun. she gets in the cab. but the driver won´t stop staring at her. she asks him why he is staring at her, and he replies "i have a question to ask you, but i dont want to offend you". she answers "my son, you cannot offend me. when you´re as old as i am and have been a nun as long as i have. you get the chance to see and hear just about everything. i´m sure there is nothing you say that i would find offensive". "well, i´ve always had the fantasy for a nun to kiss me" says the driver. she responds "well lets see what we can do about that. are you single and a good catholic"? the cabbie is excited and says "yes i´m single and a good catholic" "o.k." says the nun "pull into the next alley" he does this and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a lingering kiss. when they get back on the road the cabbie starts crying. "my dear child" says the nun "why are you crying" "forgive me sister for i have sinned. " i lied, i´m married and i´m jewish" "oh thats o.k." replied the nun "my real name is kevin and i´m on my way to a halloween party"

**Channel Hopper** · 28-10-2004

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog
for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting
there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift when I was
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about
my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch
of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff

***rob43*** · 29-10-2004

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

**expat paul** · 31-10-2004

two nuns were in a bath one says "wheres the soap" other says " yes it does doesn't it!

***rob43*** · 31-10-2004

What is the difference between an Oral thermometer and a Rectal thermometer?

The taste.

***Zorba*** · 31-10-2004

>Subject: newly weds
>
>Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
>their
>new wives duties.
>The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he
>had
>Told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
>that
>needed done at their house.
>He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home
>to a
>clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
>
>The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he
>had
>Given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes,
>and the
>cooking.
>He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
>the next day it was better.
>By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
>had a
>huge dinner on the table.
>
>The third man had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted that he
>told
>her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
>lawn
>mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
>He said the first day he didn't see anything.
>The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of
>the
>swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left
>eye.
>

***Zorba*** · 31-10-2004

The Old Rabbi

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and, sure enough, there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer, and after about 45 minutes, as he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir. How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years," he informs her.

"50 years! That's amazing, sir!!

Can I ask you, what do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

The old man replied,

"Like I'm talking to a f*ing brick wall."

***Zorba*** · 31-10-2004

The Explorer

An explorer in the deepest amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''

***rob43*** · 01-11-2004

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms."

***Jaffer*** · 01-11-2004

nice one, rob43

***rob43*** · 02-11-2004

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman

"Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

***Zorba*** · 02-11-2004

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.

"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.

"Oh no" she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."

With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

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