Jokes Post's

rob43

A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been sh*gging".
His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!" Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

waverider

On a nice sunny afternoon a woman walking along the the street notices an old man in a rocking chair outside on the porch "Hi there"......"Yep nice afternoon" the old man replies......."Don't mind me asking, but whats your secret for your young looks?" ask's the woman. "Well When I get's up in the mornin I has a good dawned full breakfast......Smoke about 80 fags....a couple bottles of whisky a day.....Oh yeah nearly forgot....about a gramm of Crack too!" "REALLY!" answers the shocked woman......"So how old are you then?" "23" Replies the old man!

rob43

not bad wr

Two Hillbillies in Arkansas were having the blue plate special (Road Kill) at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' hep?" "I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'time".

rob43

A shepherd, a sheep and a sheepdog are shipwrecked on a desert island.
After several weeks of being stranded they develop a regular routine of forageing swimming etc and then in the evenings sitting on the beach by the fire and watching the magnificent South Pacific Sunset. One evening while watching the Sunset, the shepherd can contain himself no longer and reaches out and puts an amouress arm around the sheep !! Upon seeing this the sheepdog began to growl and snarl so ferociously that he withdrew his arm, and did not go near the sheep anymore.
Several weeks passed by, then by amazing coincidence another shipwreck occured.
The original threesome discover a gorgeous young lady washed up on the beach , barely alive.
They nurse her back to health and introduce her to island routine.
One evening the four of them are sat by the fire watching the sunset, when the shepherd is overcome with passion, he reaches out and puts his arm around the young ladies shoulders, He then leans over and whispers gently in her ear,

"would you mind taking the sheepdog for a walk for a while"

waverider

What do you call a Shepherd wearing a white 3 piece suit.................PIMP!

BGonaSTICK

Errr, I don't get that?!?! Did the woman fancy the sheepdog then?

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rob43

A Scottish old timer in Scotland is sitting in a bar talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya screw one sheep . . . "

Rod Hulls Aerial

ALTERNATIVE HEALTH ADVICE

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.....



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Isthis true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop cangive you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetableoil .In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoabeans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember. "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

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What's got four legs and goes "shhhhhhhhhh"?
Rod Hull's Telly......

waverider

Behind a dirty white van at the traffic lights today, and noticed that someone had written on it 'Cleaned by Stevie Wonder'!

waverider

Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the Motor Show?.......Spent 4 hours wondering round the car park!

Zorba

Behind a dirty white van at the traffic lights today, and noticed that someone had written on it 'I wish my wife was this dirty'!

Rod Hulls Aerial

I saw that once, I added to it... "she is mate"

__________________
What's got four legs and goes "shhhhhhhhhh"?
Rod Hull's Telly......

waverider

ROFLMAO......Want A photo ?

jimbo

Saw this on TV last night

Grandma says to her grandson, "I like that Ant and Dec show but I never know which one is Ant". Grandson says, "Do you know which one is Dec then Gran?" "Oh yes I don't have a problem with him".

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Jimbo

rob43

nice one jimbo.

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle Street sometime before sunrise, when suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll on the pavement. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here?
A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!
A few yards further along the street and.... CRASH. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.
He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart and falls to the ground clutching his chest. Looking down he sees, protruding from his sternum, a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a piece of pineapple.
On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who are you?"


She replies "I'm Buffet, the vampire slayer."

Rod Hulls Aerial

Brilliant !!

__________________
What's got four legs and goes "shhhhhhhhhh"?
Rod Hull's Telly......