Jokes Post's

waverider

Let’s have a lighter side to things being discussed on the forum…whilst you maybe frustrated fiddling with your receiver and the weather is preventing from realigning your dish, sit down and post your favourite joke. Hopefully this thread will help to cheer you up too! And maybe prevent you from kicking your STB up in the air! But just a few guidelines, the content of jokes must definitely on no account contain anything Racial, Jokes can be rude but not foul and if you have to use swear words please post like e.g. ‘F**k’……..But be warned before you post though! Anything considered O.T.T I’m sure will be removed by Admin.

rob43

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel, and as a
result, its language is a touch zesty." "Oh, I don't mind that," said the woman, making her mind up. " I'm broad-minded, and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot." So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "***** me, a new brothel and a new madam." "I'm not a madam, and this isn't a brothel," says the woman, indignantly. A little later, the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mom, tell your parrot to shut up! We're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well ***** me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

rob43

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

waverider

Ted and Beth the newly wed country bumkins Check into a hotel and request a room. The receptionist ask's " Will you be requiring the bridal sir?". "No" Ted replies "I'll make sure I angs onto er extra tight!"

Shahid

Those who watched the Man City Vs Spurs Games here is the joke.

Spurs have signed a new striker
Who?
David Blunkett, hes good at taking the lead.

If you do not understand this joke let me know.
Shahid.

waverider

ROFLMAO....Brilliant Rob 10 out of 10 m8....i'm still p*ssing myself laughin while writing this post

net1

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.

rob43

sorry about the joke posted yesterday, no offence was intended. rob43

NIGHTMARE #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There
might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened
the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the
guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly,
the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


NIGHTMARE #2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to
think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and
found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I
do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down
on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his
teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in
here?!?" "shhhh!" She said, pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

waverider

Woman Standing in the nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and say's to her husband "look at me, I'm fat ugly and look horrible. Pay me a compliment" her husband looks up and replies "Your eyesights spot on"

rolfw

Wife talking to Husband.

Wife: Darling, If I died, would you take up with another woman and get married?

Husband: Well yes dear, I am after all still a relatively young man.

Wife: Well if you did would you teach her to play golf like you have taught me?

Husband: I suppose I would dear, you wouldn't want me to have to play on my own would you?

Wife: No I suppose not darling, but would you let her use my golf clubs though?






Husband: No of course I wouldn't dear, she's left handed.

__________________

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waverider

What has four legs and a fanny halfway up it's back?







A Police horse!

jimbo

A husband was just about to go into the shower as his wife stepped out. At that moment their doorbell rang. They argued for a minute as to who was going to answer it. In the end the wife wrapped her towel around her and went to the door. It was the guy who lived next door and he asked if her husband was in. "He's in the shower", she said. "Oh ok", says the guy...."hey listen, I'll give you £800 if you drop your towel". She thinks about it and then lets it glide to the floor. "Very nice", says the neighbour and hands her the £800. She shuts the door and goes back to the bathroom. Her husband calls out from the shower, "who was it darling." "Oh only John next door and I told him you were in the shower". "Ok fine", says the husband. "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me".

__________________
Jimbo

Binnes

Q. Whats 10" long and 2" wide and starts with a p?

A. A good crap!

Channel Hopper

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.


DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.


Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

__________________
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

waverider

@ CH, I bet Pornlover would like to get involved with this one m8!

wendyanne

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted her so bad. In fact, he had nevereven seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore, " she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he everhad before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veeredoff the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. Hisgirlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him freebut alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help, " he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with! " she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have

to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck

driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to

hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!

"The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!

waverider

Hehehehe like it Wendyanne.....thats smooth!

rob43

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five pounds. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those useless b*st*rds at B&Q ever bring us the *****ing plasterboard."

rolfw

LOL. Love It.

__________________

Rolf If you enjoy our site, you can help support it by wearing our unique branded merchandise, you can do this by clicking on my baseball cap, making a direct donation with Paypal by clicking on the Donation button below, or using our site supporting advertisers, to do this, click on the central image below

bigrandydavid

cant believe theres no jokes about the irish on st paddys day?


paddy and mick were talking one day

mick says to paddy `ah its the wifes birthday this weekend to be sure`

paddy replies `and what have you got for her michael? did she tell you what she wanted?`

`well kind of` says mick `she told me she wasn`t too concerned as long as it was full of diamonds.`

`ah fair play to ye man, and what have you got her then?` says paddy

`well i`ve bought her a pack of playing cards`

__________________
a turd cannot be polished our Ashley, I SAY YOU CAN`T POLISH A TURD

rob43

A 68 year old man joined a Nudist Club. First day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man. "It 's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee" "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

waverider

Little girl skipping along the pavement taking her little dog for a walk when suddenly the local Vicar appears, "Hello little girl and what's your name then?" "Petal" the little girl replied. "What a sweet name for one of Gods sweet little girls......pray tell me and why did your parents name you Petal my dear?"......"Well mummy telled me that when I was in her tummy, an an her an daddy were sittin under a cherry tree wondering what they woz to call me...an all of a sudden a blossom flower floated down an landid on mummy's tummy.....an that is why they give me the name of Petal"..."Oh what a lovely sweet story my child" sighed the Vicar..."And pray tell me Petal what do you call your sweet little doggy then?" "Porky" replies Petal. "Mmmm thats strange name for a sweet little doggy Petal, why did you give him that name then?" Petal replies laughing out loud "COS HE *****S PIGS!"

rob43

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "****in Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything

rob43

an elderly couple were driving across country. the woman was driving when she got pulled over for speeding by the police. "did you know you were speeding" asks the officer. she turns to her husband and asks "what did he say? the old man yelled " HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING". the officer asks to see her license. again she turns to her husband "what did he say". "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE" yells the husband. so she gets her license out and the officer has a shuffty. "i see you are from bristol, i once spent some time there and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman i´ve ever met". she turns to her husband "what did he say". the old man yells "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU"!

waverider

This Guy walks into the Doctor's surgery and the Doctor ask's him to sit down and explain his illness....."Wwweell IIII hhhhavve thhhis ssssssstutter" the man tells the Doctor.......The Doc slightly annoyed replies "So thousands of people have stutters but they have to live with it, so what makes you so different?" "Wwwwell mmmmy wwwwife hhhhas tthhhhhreatened tttto ddddivorce me bbbbbbbecause offffff iitt"......."Mmm I see, Ok then go over to the couch and take your clothes off so I can examine you" say's the Doc. On examining the man the Doc suddenly notices the guys huge dick hanging down and say's " Aah that's you problem, your penis is so big the weight of it is putting a strain on your vocal cords causing the stutter!"...."Ssssso wwwhat ccccccan yyyyou dddo Ddddoctor?"...."Well" the Doc replies "There is an operation where we can remove a ten inch section out of your penis and stich it back together, so you can then have a normal size like the majority of men. We then freeze the section in case you want a reversal. BUT you will have only two weeks after the op should you change your mind!" The man goes ahead with the Doctor's advice and has the operation.
Two weeks later the man pops into the surgery and sit's down opposite the Doctor and say's " Wotcha yer Doc speech is fine now as you can hear and the operation was a success. But I'm back because now the wife is threatening to divorce me again cos I cant satisfy her! and after talking things over she would rather me having my stutter as long as I have my huge dick back, so I want the reversal!" the Doctor then replies "Yyyyyyoour tttooooo LLLLate!"