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Wavey's Jokes Corner (May contain nuts)
Amessage to America from the Queen.
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<blockquote data-quote="Hixxy1" data-source="post: 820692" data-attributes="member: 389960"><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Majesty Queen Elizabeth II</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Dictionary.)</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">America without the need for further elections.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">-----------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">'vocabulary').</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">------------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">elimination of '-ize.'</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">-------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">-----------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">ready to shoot grouse.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">----------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">public.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">----------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">sense of humour.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">--------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">-------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">-------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">further confusion.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">---------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">ears removed with a cheese grater.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">---------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">nancies). </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">---------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket,</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">out of their deliveries.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">--------------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">-----------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">---------------</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">with saucers, and never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px">God Save the Queen!</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="font-size: 12px"></span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hixxy1, post: 820692, member: 389960"] [color=#000000][font=Verdana][size=3] A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! [/size][/font][/color] [/QUOTE]
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