Blue & Rude!

waverider

Salty Tech Monster Mod
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My Satellite Setup
Protek 9750 HD IP, Spiderbox 9000HD. Cryptik Digital H-H Mount with1.2m Oval Dish and a box in the garage consisting of 2 obsolete STBs, various Cards and a couple of cams!
My Location
South East England
#1
Superman flying past skyscrapers suddenly gets the urge for s_x, he thinks to himself “who can I ask where to get a good shag’’, no sooner has the thought crossed his mind, he looks up and there is Batman, hands on hips with cape flapping in the wind, standing on top of a huge building. So he thinks “ah! I’ll ask Batman he is bound to know of a good sort I can get hold off!” so Superman fly’s up to Batman and asks ‘’Hi Batman’’ Batman replies “wotcha Superman what can I do for you mate?”.“ Well Batman I’m glad you asked I need a good woman for s_x, do you know of any?” Batman replies “ Have you tried Wonder Woman mate, she is some horny sort without her cloths on you know?” “ Oh leave it out! She’s one of us, your right out of order!” so Superman after cussing Batman fly’s off, as he swoops round the corner there is Spiderman climbing up the side of a skyscraper, so Superman stop’s in mid air and whilst hovering they exchange greetings with each other, Superman then asks the same question as he did with Batman. Spider man replies with the same answer! Superman replies “ your just as bad as Batman you arsehole!” then fly’s off annoyed with what both his colleagues have told him. Still with the urge he fly’s past a large bay window ninety floors up and there lies Wonder Woman naked and spread eagle’d and wriggling on a bed and looking if she is really worked up for s_x! Superman stops to look and thinks “ Bloody hell she looks so horny without her cloths on and by the looks of things she is begging for it! Batman and Spiderman where right” as thoughts of s_x with her rush through Superman’s mind he then comes up with a selfish idea “I know if I fly in with my supersonic speed and give her one, she will never know what’s hit her! Or realise it was me”. So Superman fly’s through the window faster than the speed of light. BANG! BANG! BANG! Then fly’s swiftly away feeling a new man. A very startled Wonder Woman cries, “ F***ing Hell what was that?” The Invisible Man crying with tears of agony replies “I don’t know but my arse don’t half F***ing hurt”
 

rob43

Regular Member
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My Location
canaries
#2
Ridem Cowboy


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite s_x positions.
one says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts
in your hands and whisper in her ear, Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds..."
 

rob43

Regular Member
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0
My Location
canaries
#3
Lawyer: "Will you please state your age."
Little Old Lady: "I am 87 years old."
Lawyer: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?"
Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm summer evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me."
Lawyer: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he was very friendly."
Lawyer: "What happened after he sat down?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."
Lawyer: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him."
Lawyer: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my bill died some 30 years ago."
Lawyer: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."
Lawyer: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."
Lawyer: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"
Lawyer: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him, 'Take me, young man. Take me!'"
Lawyer: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Lady: "F***, no! He just shouted, 'April Fool!' ... and that's when I shot the little bastard."
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
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68
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My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
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#4
A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy shit", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my todger around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't
you!" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought
to buy me, I'd be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the 3200 price tag. "Sorry, but just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. Also I don't talk to any women unless you
say so and at least I can keep an eye on your wife. You can probably get
me for 320. Just make the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers 320 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The
parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything.
He sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes

"Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted off the
nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"**** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!!"
 

gameboy

Ding Dang Doo
Messages
4,305
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5
My Satellite Setup
DreamBox 7000s - Nokia Freeview - Several GameBoys - DS Lite - ZX81 - SNES - N64 - Saturn - Dreamcast - PlayStation - PS2 - Gamecube - PSP - iPod - iPhone - XBox - PS3 - Wii - iPad - No Life!
My Location
Scotland
#5
Man goes into a petshop and asks to buy a Wasp.

'We don't sell Wasps' the assistant tells him.

'Why not' the man replies...

'You've got them in the window!'
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
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68
Location
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My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
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#6
Two fleas were at the seaside.

They started discussing their journeys there. One of the fleas said to the other, "I had a really rough ride here, I got a life on a guys beard riding a motorbike and it was windy as hell. I was hanging on for my life trying to fight the wind."

The other says "you should do what i do, go into the ladies toilet, get on their pubic hair when they go to the toilet, and get a nice cosy ride there."

The first flea things about this and says "next time I come here I will try it."

A few months later, the two fleas are at the seaside again and the second flea says "so, did you do what I said and get a lift here in the comfort of a womans pubic hair"

And the first flea replies, "well it all started off well, went to the ladies, got inside the knickers, set off, and within 5 minutes I was back on the blokes beard again"
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
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68
Location
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My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
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#7
7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time
we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first,
then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what
he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some
Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen
floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ****in' ass
it won't be Coco Pops."
 
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#8
a lady and a baby comes into the doctors office for an exam, After checking out the baby, the Doctor said "this baby looks mal-nurished" please take your top off so I can examine you. The doc rubs and massage's her breast, pinches her nipples, lifts her breast up and down,,and finallly says. Here is your problem.."You have no milk!" The lady says I know..I am the grandmother, but I am glad I came.
 

Rod Hulls Aerial

The Lord Lucan Moderator
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My Satellite Setup
Sky Star 2 - Motorised
Errr.. thats it.
My Location
The cold and foggy Yorkshire coast..
#9
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her.
"She says I am too kinky when it comes to s_x..."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkiness together!"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman, becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...
"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat.
She hears him fumble with his belt, and then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkiness here!" she complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"
 

Channel Hopper

Suffering fools, so you don't have to.
Staff member
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My Satellite Setup
A little less analogue, and a lot more crap.
My Location
UK South
#10
Nice one - fit for all the family
 
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