Christmas joke..

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
659
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#1
A young man named Paul received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Paul tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite, words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Paul was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. Paul shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
Paul, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for
over a minute!

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Paul quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Paul's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my unforgivable behavior."

Paul was stunned at the difference in his attitude and as he was about
to ask what had made such a dramatic change, when the bird
continued......"May I ask what the Turkey did?"
 

Rod Hulls Aerial

The Lord Lucan Moderator
Messages
248
Likes
0
My Satellite Setup
Sky Star 2 - Motorised
Errr.. thats it.
My Location
The cold and foggy Yorkshire coast..
#2
echo..echo..echo..
 

Channel Hopper

Suffering fools, so you don't have to.
Staff member
Messages
25,214
Likes
5,623
My Satellite Setup
A little less analogue, and a lot more crap.
My Location
UK South
#4
And another from the archives

An Engineer’s Christmas

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except
maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This
works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out,
jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into
the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our
calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is
carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer
can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting
the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the
earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000
g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs
and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

Merry Christmas!
 

gameboy

Ding Dang Doo
Messages
4,305
Likes
5
My Satellite Setup
DreamBox 7000s - Nokia Freeview - Several GameBoys - DS Lite - ZX81 - SNES - N64 - Saturn - Dreamcast - PlayStation - PS2 - Gamecube - PSP - iPod - iPhone - XBox - PS3 - Wii - iPad - No Life!
My Location
Scotland
#5
Channel Hopper said:
An Engineer’s Christmas
Bah Humbug - you mean he doesn't exist?

47 years and you spoil it! - thanks
 

drag0nfly_69uk

Regular Member
Messages
160
Likes
0
My Location
essex boy
#6
CH and all the doubters need to go and see the Polar Express, preferably at the IMAX in 3D, vow, Santa and his helpers do exist.
 

Channel Hopper

Suffering fools, so you don't have to.
Staff member
Messages
25,214
Likes
5,623
My Satellite Setup
A little less analogue, and a lot more crap.
My Location
UK South
#7
Ive looked at the animation used in Polar Express, even I could have done better with the lip sync and movement of characters. Its no improvement to the Pokemon of the 90s

Not my cup of tea at all, Ill stick to Toy Story/ 2 / Beavis and Butthead and Spirited Away thanks
 
Top