Close to the bone ( do not read if easily offended )

Topper

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Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around…..and that’s what it’s all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested in the subject, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shite out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!


In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone back to her mothers.


A dwarf goes to a very good, but very busy doctor, and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarfs?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".


A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot
Suddenly announces.
"Why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.
"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an
iceberg!"
“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"
 

Lazarus

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Good one - I like the non-partisan approach of offending absolutely everybody :ph34r: ;)
 

rolfw

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