Jokers Post

[rob43]

One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offense", said the Park Ranger. The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge. In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. "I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!" To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favour. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?" The man answered:
"Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."

 

[rob43]

Joe took his dog to the vet. "Doc" he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Joe, why do you want to do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

 

[rob43]

A professor is giving the first year medical
students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few
basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an
autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this
point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it
out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with
the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they
follow through with his disgusting command. "The second thing is that you
must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I
stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index
finger?" After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop
up the vomit.

 

[rob43]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
discuss with me?" "In fact, I do, "said the old man. "After I have s_x with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have s_x with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said,
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having s_x the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!

 

[rob43]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room
table the interviewer asked,"What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.
it just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you," he asked. The second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out cross the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, "It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my
pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB

 

[haga]

An old man and woman, after flirting with each other for years, agree to make love.

One day when all the other residents are on a day out, the old man impatiently rushes to the old dear's room.

Nervously, he asks her if there is anything that she prefers.

She repies that she quite enjoys a bit of cunnilingus.

With a big grin, the old guy goes south.

However, after a few seconds, the man pops back up and says,
"I'm sorry, but I just can't bear the smell."

She thinks for a moment ans says, "It must be the arthritis."

"There's no way you can get arthritis down there," he says, "And even if you could, it wouldn't smell as bad as that."

"No the arthritis is in my shoulder," she says,

"I can't wipe my arse."

 

[rob43]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:

"darling, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a NP Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." to which he replied - "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a dammed carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have MFI DIY written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd all this get fixed?" he said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake." He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
"Hellooooo........ do you see mr kipling written on my forehead She replied?"

 

[Zorba]

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.
"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.
"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.






But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.

* * * * *

 

[rob43]

There's an old couple, both in their 80's, on a sentimental holiday they went back to the spot where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you recall the first time we had s_x together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" "Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she says. There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having s_x against a fence.' So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious s_x the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic s_x imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have s_x like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been going at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except fifty years ago that frigging fence wasn't electric."

 

[Zorba]

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with its left foot so I tied it to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied her right leg to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milking her she knocked down the bucket with her tail and I took off my belt and tied up the tail with my belt.

As I was tying up the tail my pants dropped down and then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

 

[Zorba]

Did You Know...
> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
>enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
>
>
>
>
> (Hardly seems worth it.)
>
>
>
>
> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
>produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
>
>
>
>
> (Now that's more like it!)
>
>
>
>
> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body
>to squirt blood 30 feet.
>
>
>
>
> (O.M.G.!)
>
>
>
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
>
>
>
>
> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
>
>
>
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
>to death. (Creepy.)
>
>
>
>
> (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
>
>
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
>
>
>
>
> (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
>
>
>
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
>to its body. The female initiates s_x by ripping the male's head off.
>
>
>
>
> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
>
>
>
>
> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
>the length of a football field.
>
>
>
>
> (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)
>
>
>
>
> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
>
>
>
>
> (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
>
>
>
>
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
>
>
>
>
> (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
>
>
>
>
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
>
>
>
> (Something I always wanted to know.)
>
>
>
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
>
>
>
>
> (Hmmmmmm........)
>
>
>
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
>people.
>
>
>
>
> (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
>
>
>
>
> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
>
>
>
>
> (OK, so that would be a good thing....................)
>
>
>
>
> A cat's urine glows under a black light.
>
>
>
>
> (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
>
>
>
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
>
>
>
> (I know some people like that.)
>
>
>
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> Starfish have no brains.
>
>
>
>
> (I know some people like that too.)
>
>
>
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> Polar bears are left-handed.
>
>
>
>
> (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
>
>
>
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have s_x for pleasure.
>
>
>
>
>
> (What about that pig??)

 

[Channel Hopper]

Nothing to add

 

[rob43]

New cash machine instructions
Please note that the bank is installing a new Drive Thru Cash Point Machine. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (i.e. male or female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time:
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. DRIVE UP TO THE CASH MACHINE.
2. WIND DOWN YOUR CAR window.
3. INSERT CARD INTO MACHINE AND ENTER PIN.
4. ENTER AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED AND WITHDRAW.
5. RETRIEVE CARD, CASH AND RECEIPT.
6. WIND UP window.
7. DRIVE OFF.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. DRIVE UP TO CASH MACHINE.
2. REVERSE BACK THE REQUIRED AMOUNT TO ALIGN CAR WINDOW TO MACHINE.
3. RE-START THE STALLED ENGINE.
4. WIND DOWN THE window.
5. FIND HANDBAG, REMOVE ALL CONTENTS ONTO PASSENGER SEAT TO LOCATE CARD.
6. TURN DOWN THE RADIO.
7. ATTEMPT TO INSERT CARD INTO MACHINE.
8. OPEN CAR DOOR TO ALLOW EASIER ACCESS TO MACHINE DUE TO ITS EXCESSIVE DISTANCE FROM THE CAR.
9. INSERT CARD.
10. RE-INSERT CARD THE RIGHT WAYUP.
11. RE-ENTER HANDBAG TO FIND DIARY WITH YOUR PIN WRITTEN ON BACK PAGE.
12. ENTER PIN.
13. PRESS CANCEL AND RE-ENTER CORRECT PIN.
14. ENTER AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED.
15. CHECK MAKE-UP IN REAR VIEW MIRROR.
16. RETRIEVE CASH AND RECEIPT.
17. EMPTY HANDBAG AGAIN TO LOCATE PURSE AND PLACE CASH INSIDE.
18. PLACE RECEIPT IN BACK OF CHEQUE BOOK.
19. RE-CHECK MAKE UP AGAIN.
20. DRIVE FORWARD 2 METERS.
21. REVERSE BACK TO MACHINE.
22. RETRIEVE CARD.
23. RE-EMPTY HANDBAG, LOCATE CARD HOLDER AND PLACE CARD INTO THE SLOT PROVIDED.
24. RE-START STALLED ENGINE AND PULL AWAY.
25. DRIVE FOR 2 - 3 KILOMETERS........ RELEASE HANDBRAKE

 

[waverider]

"Good afternoon Air Lingus flight 402, this Air Traffic Control Stansted....over"


"Yes hello, top of the day te yers......over"


"Could you give us your height and position Air Lingus 402?......over"


"Yes I am about five foot six an sittin in der front!........over der"

 

[Zorba]

Every Parents Worst Nightmare
>>
>>A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With
>>the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands. Dear Mum and Dad,
>
>>It
>>is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped
with
>>my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with
>>all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not
>
>>only
>>that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his
>>trailer
>>in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one
>of
>>my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be
>>growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with
all
>>the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray
>for
>>science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don'
>t
>>worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his
>>friends
>>Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene.
>
>>I
>>get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an
extra
>>£100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know
>>how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you
can
>>meet your grandchildren.
>>
>>Your loving daughter, Aimee
>>
>>p.s: Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house.
>>I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND
>>GETTING BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN.

 

[rob43]

why does david beckham have a skinhead? because someone told victoria that s_x would be better if she shaved her silly!!!

 

[kalamar]

Three friends check into a motel for the night and the clerk tells them the bill is $30, payable in advance. So, they each pay the clerk $10 and go to their room. A few minutes later, the clerk realizes he has made an error and overcharged the trio by $5. He asks the bellhop to return $5 to the 3 friends who had just checked in. The bellhop sees this as an opportunity to make $2 as he reasons that the three friends would have a tough time dividing $5 evenly among them; so he decides to tell them that the clerk made a mistake of only $3, giving a dollar back to each of the friends. He pockets the leftover $2 and goes home for the day! Now, each of the three friends gets a dollar back, thus they each paid $9 for the room which is a total of $27 for the night. We know the bellhop pocketed $2 and adding that to the $27, you get $29, not $30 which was originally spent. Where did the other dollar go????

 

[kalamar]

The following night two friends check into the same motel. Once again theclerk charges them $30, or $15 per person. After the clerk remembers the total rate is only $25 he sends the bellhop upstairs with five $1 bills to pay the two friends back. The bellhop knows he got away with larceny once so he tries it again. But this time he pockets $3 and returns $2 to the hotel guests ($1 per guest). So each of the two guests got $1 back from their original $15. Therefore each paid $14 which is a total payment of $28 for the room. Now the bellhop has $3, the guests paid $28, for a total of $31....THERE'S THE MISSING DOLLAR!!!!

 

[Channel Hopper]

Sheer genius

 

[rolfw]

LOL, very nice.