Jokers Post

[timdorr]

hahahahahahaha

 

[Zorba]

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.
So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."

 

[prof]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast
of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night,
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, I was a bit surprised me self! You know. He's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come."

 

[rob43]

Pop idol Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "Its
your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie, But Will started crying. Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?" Will sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings"

 

[Zorba]

A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
"Can you please taste the soup?"
"What's wrong with the soup?"
"Just taste it."
"Why?"
"Just taste it."
"Sir, I--"
"Just taste it."
"Fine, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"
"EXACTLY. BRING ME A GODDAMN SPOON."

 

[Channel Hopper]

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2486282932

 

[rob43]

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for
the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into
the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats are much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I 'm going to sit here all the way to New York. "Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the
Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. "I have a blonde girlfriend," the co-pilot responds. "I'll take care of
this." He goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes
back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant are astonished and ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

 

[rolfw]

LOL, I like it

 

[kleefarr]

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home' As hard as you try, you cannot
piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to
this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to The
drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain
specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question
answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the
house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can Apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably Get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

 

[kleefarr]

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten
days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener'
'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'.
Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle
opener?'.
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home
without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving,
but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock
and shouts.


'I KNEW IT! ...... I'M NOT BLOODY GOING.'

 

[kleefarr]

Little Bobby sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, Bobby follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Bobby finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his Mother excitedly.....
"MOMMY, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy and ......" Bobby's mother tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So little Bobby tells her.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy....."
At this point Bobby's mother cuts him off and said, "Bobby, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, his Mother asks little Bobby to tell his story. Bobby starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mother and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

THE MORAL: Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt !!!

 

[rob43]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband bill.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
bills old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

 

[rob43]

Q: what´s the difference between a poodle & a rottwieller shagging your leg










A: the rottwieller gets to finish!!!!!!!