Jokes

[GUNERDOO]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say. ;)

 

[GUNERDOO]

Conversation in heaven


1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

 

[GUNERDOO]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Indiana for $200. They brought the cow from Indiana and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Indiana?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Indiana?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Indiana Humping

 

[GUNERDOO]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

 

[GUNERDOO]

CANNON BALLS



For all you naval people, and landlubbers


It was necessary to keep a good supply of canon balls near the cannon on the old ships.But how to prevent them rolling around the deck
was the problem
The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, one ball on top,resting on four,resting on nine,which
rested on sixteen.Thus ,a supply of thirty cannon ballscould be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon
there was one problem--how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from the others

The solution was a metal plate with 16 indentations,called a monkey.But if this plate was made of iron the iron balls would quickly
rust to it
the solution was to make brass monkeys

Few landlubbers realise that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.consequently when the temperature
dropped to far ,the brass indentations would shrink so much that the cannon balls would come right off the monkey

thus,it was quite literlly ,COLD ENOUGH TO FREEZE THE BALLS OFF A BRASS MONKEY.

And all this time youn thought it was a vulgar expresion ,didnt you

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few unsuspecting friends O-zzz