Words of wisdome

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Prince of Birthdays
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
~ Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~ Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.
~ George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
~ Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint
~ Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~ Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~ Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..
~ Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~ ex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~ Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~ Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~ Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
~ Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~ Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~ W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~ Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
~ Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~ Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~ Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
 
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