Jokes Post's

[rob43]

A 68 year old man joined a Nudist Club. First day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man. "It 's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee" "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

 

[waverider]

Little girl skipping along the pavement taking her little dog for a walk when suddenly the local Vicar appears, "Hello little girl and what's your name then?" "Petal" the little girl replied. "What a sweet name for one of Gods sweet little girls......pray tell me and why did your parents name you Petal my dear?"......"Well mummy telled me that when I was in her tummy, an an her an daddy were sittin under a cherry tree wondering what they woz to call me...an all of a sudden a blossom flower floated down an landid on mummy's tummy.....an that is why they give me the name of Petal"..."Oh what a lovely sweet story my child" sighed the Vicar..."And pray tell me Petal what do you call your sweet little doggy then?" "Porky" replies Petal. "Mmmm thats strange name for a sweet little doggy Petal, why did you give him that name then?" Petal replies laughing out loud "COS HE F*CKS PIGS!"

 

[rob43]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything

 

[rob43]

an elderly couple were driving across country. the woman was driving when she got pulled over for speeding by the police. "did you know you were speeding" asks the officer. she turns to her husband and asks "what did he say? the old man yelled " HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING". the officer asks to see her license. again she turns to her husband "what did he say". "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE" yells the husband. so she gets her license out and the officer has a shuffty. "i see you are from bristol, i once spent some time there and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman i´ve ever met". she turns to her husband "what did he say". the old man yells "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU"!

 

[waverider]

This Guy walks into the Doctor's surgery and the Doctor ask's him to sit down and explain his illness....."Wwweell IIII hhhhavve thhhis ssssssstutter" the man tells the Doctor.......The Doc slightly annoyed replies "So thousands of people have stutters but they have to live with it, so what makes you so different?" "Wwwwell mmmmy wwwwife hhhhas tthhhhhreatened tttto ddddivorce me bbbbbbbecause offffff iitt"......."Mmm I see, Ok then go over to the couch and take your clothes off so I can examine you" say's the Doc. On examining the man the Doc suddenly notices the guys huge dick hanging down and say's " Aah that's you problem, your penis is so big the weight of it is putting a strain on your vocal cords causing the stutter!"...."Ssssso wwwhat ccccccan yyyyou dddo Ddddoctor?"...."Well" the Doc replies "There is an operation where we can remove a ten inch section out of your penis and stich it back together, so you can then have a normal size like the majority of men. We then freeze the section in case you want a reversal. BUT you will have only two weeks after the op should you change your mind!" The man goes ahead with the Doctor's advice and has the operation.
Two weeks later the man pops into the surgery and sit's down opposite the Doctor and say's " Wotcha yer Doc speech is fine now as you can hear and the operation was a success. But I'm back because now the wife is threatening to divorce me again cos I cant satisfy her! and after talking things over she would rather me having my stutter as long as I have my huge dick back, so I want the reversal!" the Doctor then replies "Yyyyyyoour tttooooo LLLLate!"

 

[Zorba]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

* * * * * ;)

 

[caretaker]

Guess who i bumped into at Specsavers today?..Everyone..

 

[prof]

Try this one;
Using google search type- weapons of mass destruction
and click on I'm feeling lucky

 

[Zorba]

Posh spice has been allegedly having an afair with Michael Jackson !
But Jackson denies it.........
says he was in Brooklyn at the time!!

 

[net1]

Top 8 US Morons of 2003



1.WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He
received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.

2.WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Police in Oakland, California
spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3.WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is
this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This
is
her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven
Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch
without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket

8. THE GRAND FINALE.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new
to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After
about
an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina,
thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The
engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.... Under the boat, still strapped securely
in place, was the trailer.

 

[net1]

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post. A £40 speeding ticket was
included.


Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of £40.


The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


___________________________________________________________________________




A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Policeman
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policeman's
Ball."


He replied, "Policemen don't have balls."


There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[Nismo400R]

The owner of a large drug store walks in to find
a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner
asks the clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says: "Well, he came in here this morning
to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the
cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxative."

The owner says:
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of
laxative"!

The clerk says: "Of course you can! Look at him,
he's afraid to cough!

 

[techn0beatnik]

Whats the differance between a primary school and a brothel.
.....
.....
Dont know....

You guys make me sick!

 

[PaulR]

Ethel’s Weelchair

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and 'Mad Harry' stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a
licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit
Kat wrapper and held it out for him. "OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, 'Weird Ron' popped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drinks mat and held it up to him. Ron nodded and said, "Carry on ma'am!"

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, 'Crazy Craig' stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh god" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

 

[Zorba]

Off The Beaten Track
-------------------------

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.

"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.

"Oh no" she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."

With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

O-Ha

 

[waverider]

Mary the Irish Catholic lady has a problem with her parrots and pops in for a cup of tea and a chat with her local Irish Priest. "Well der problem I have wiv me birds is that every time someone passes me winder, they shout out we are a pair of ladies of the night, fancy a F**k!" "Dear mother of Christ" replies the sympathetic man of the cloth..."Yer know, I have two parrots Mary and I have trained dem to pray and use der rosary beads me dear" Mary is amazed "Bless yer father, tis a holy ting yer hav done there" "Tell yer what though Mary, God has given me a truly good idea for yer...bring yer parrots round here termorrow and we will put dem in the cage wiv me two holy birds who will clean dere souls and speech"....."God praise yer...I shall bring dem tomorrow first ting" replies Mary............Next morning sure enough there is a knock at the door and there stands Mary with her two parrots in a cage cussing and shrieking out foul language, the priest shows Mary into the front room were upon she notices his two parrots in a cage one reading the bible, the other praying with it's Rosary beads. And so in go Mary's two birds followed by utter silence.....then Mary's birds shriek out "Hey we are a pair of ladies of the night fancy a F***?" next the Priest parrots say " Hey Jack put the F*****g Rosary beads away mate our prayers have finally been answered!"

 

[Nismo400R]

Having a bad day?

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.

Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers.

Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside this refrigerator...."
​

 

[waverider]

This nutter walks into the dentist's on April the 1st and demands to have all his teeth extracted....after 1/2 a litre of cocain injections and two hours of grunting and pulling the dentist completes his task........with a gummy mouth pouring with blood the nutter spins round in the chair and cries " Aprool full I only wanded a haircuth"

 

[rob43]

a man walks into a chemists and asks the pretty young assistant for a durex. "what size do you want" she asks. the man said he didn´t know. so the assistant said to him, "go round the back of the shop and you´ll see a fence with a series of graduated holes. just try each hole until you find the correct one, then come and tell me what the hole number was. the man went off and didn´t come back for twenty minutes. "well" said the assistant, "what size durex do you want" to which the man replied. "forget about the durex, how much do you want for the fence?

 

[rob43]

Two girls walking down the street in spain on holiday. The sun is burning and they are very hot.
1st girl: “do you think we should take our knickers off? It might cool us down.”
2nd girl: “I don´t think so, it might be frowned upon.” They walk down to a market place and spot an old lady eating an enormous piece of melon, sitting on a bench, knickerless and legs asplay.
The 1st girl approaches: “is it cooler like that?”
Old lady: “I don´t know about that, but it certainly keeps the flies off my melon!”