Jokes Post's

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

2 mice in the airing cupboard........ which ones in the army ?
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The one on the tank of course !

 

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

A man goes to the Doctors and says, "On Monday I felt like Mickey Mouse, On Tuesday I felt like Donald Duck, and on Wednesday I felt like Pluto"

The Doctor replies, "Tell me - How long have you been having these DISNEY SPELLS ?"
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A man goes to the Doctors with a lettuce leaf hanging out of his ar5e. He bends over and asks the Doctor to take a look at it.

The Doctor looks and shakes his head.

The man says, "Is it serious ?"

The Doctor says, "I'm afraid it's just the tip of the Iceberg"

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A man goes to the Doctors with a steering wheel down the front of his underpants. The Doctor says, "What's that doing there ?"

The man says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts !"

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A Man goes to the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, " I'll give you some cream to put on that ".
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Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home"
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Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
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Man: "Is it common ?"
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Doc: "It's not unusual !"
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts !"
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Man: "Doctor I can't say my F's, T's and H's"
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Doc: "Well you can't say fairer than that then !"
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[rob43]

i did like that last one about the jamaican wavy, try saying beercan!


A Blind man enters an "all woman" bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar a stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke? The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

1. The bartender is a blonde woman
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman
3, The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and
5. I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD. a black belt in
karate and a very bad attitude. Now think about it seriously, Mister. do you still want to tell that joke;

"Nah..not if I'M gonna have to explain it five times

 

[rob43]

a cabbie picks up a nun. she gets in the cab. but the driver won´t stop staring at her. she asks him why he is staring at her, and he replies "i have a question to ask you, but i dont want to offend you". she answers "my son, you cannot offend me. when you´re as old as i am and have been a nun as long as i have. you get the chance to see and hear just about everything. i´m sure there is nothing you say that i would find offensive". "well, i´ve always had the fantasy for a nun to kiss me" says the driver. she responds "well lets see what we can do about that. are you single and a good catholic"? the cabbie is excited and says "yes i´m single and a good catholic" "o.k." says the nun "pull into the next alley" he does this and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a lingering kiss. when they get back on the road the cabbie starts crying. "my dear child" says the nun "why are you crying" "forgive me sister for i have sinned. " i lied, i´m married and i´m jewish" "oh thats o.k." replied the nun "my real name is kevin and i´m on my way to a halloween party"

 

[Channel Hopper]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog
for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting
there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift when I was
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about
my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch
of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff

 

[rob43]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a mature content. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a mature content."

 

[expat paul]

two nuns were in a bath one says "wheres the soap" other says " yes it does doesn't it!

 

[rob43]

What is the difference between an Oral thermometer and a Rectal thermometer?



The taste.

 

[Zorba]

>Subject: newly weds
>
>Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
>their
>new wives duties.
>The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he
>had
>Told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
>that
>needed done at their house.
>He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home
>to a
>clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
>
>The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he
>had
>Given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes,
>and the
>cooking.
>He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
>the next day it was better.
>By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
>had a
>huge dinner on the table.
>
>The third man had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted that he
>told
>her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
>lawn
>mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
>He said the first day he didn't see anything.
>The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of
>the
>swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left
>eye.
>

 

[Zorba]

The Old Rabbi



In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and, sure enough, there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer, and after about 45 minutes, as he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir. How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years," he informs her.

"50 years! That's amazing, sir!!

Can I ask you, what do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

The old man replied,

"Like I'm talking to a f*ing brick wall."

 

[Zorba]

The Explorer



An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''

 

[rob43]

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have s_x, you won't get worms."

 

[Jaffer]

nice one, rob43

 

[rob43]

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman

"Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

 

[Zorba]

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.

"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.

"Oh no" she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."

With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

[rob43]

A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been sh*gging".
His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!" Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

 

[waverider]

On a nice sunny afternoon a woman walking along the the street notices an old man in a rocking chair outside on the porch "Hi there"......"Yep nice afternoon" the old man replies......."Don't mind me asking, but whats your secret for your young looks?" ask's the woman. "Well When I get's up in the mornin I has a good dawned full breakfast......Smoke about 80 fags....a couple bottles of whisky a day.....Oh yeah nearly forgot....about a gramm of Crack too!" "REALLY!" answers the shocked woman......"So how old are you then?" "23" Replies the old man!

 

[rob43]

not bad wr

Two Hillbillies in Arkansas were having the blue plate special (Road Kill) at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' hep?" "I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'time".

 

[rob43]

A shepherd, a sheep and a sheepdog are shipwrecked on a desert island.
After several weeks of being stranded they develop a regular routine of forageing swimming etc and then in the evenings sitting on the beach by the fire and watching the magnificent South Pacific Sunset. One evening while watching the Sunset, the shepherd can contain himself no longer and reaches out and puts an amouress arm around the sheep !! Upon seeing this the sheepdog began to growl and snarl so ferociously that he withdrew his arm, and did not go near the sheep anymore.
Several weeks passed by, then by amazing coincidence another shipwreck occured.
The original threesome discover a gorgeous young lady washed up on the beach , barely alive.
They nurse her back to health and introduce her to island routine.
One evening the four of them are sat by the fire watching the sunset, when the shepherd is overcome with passion, he reaches out and puts his arm around the young ladies shoulders, He then leans over and whispers gently in her ear,

"would you mind taking the sheepdog for a walk for a while"

 

[waverider]

What do you call a Shepherd wearing a white 3 piece suit.................PIMP!