2012 Olympics



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It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishmen want to get in but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a man hole cover. Tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Pocklington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks round and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing"


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As you know, London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for the occasion.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes:

100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage ten yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, fences etc).

HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in five minutes.

SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will see the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised.

THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone "mincing" along the streets of East London.


Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the athletes break into it and remove the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

It should also be noted in your diaries that UK televisions are making the grand switch-over from analogue to digital reception in 2012, in which case, the probability is that the vast majority of viewers won't be watching any television whatsoever, let alone the 2012 London Olympics - Another well planned move by our Labour government ;)

Source: www.the2012londonolympics.com The unofficial 2012 London Olympics forum


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the joke was a good old classic :-rofl2
as for the forcasted event i think i watch that on the news every evening or are they all in trainig for the main events:D