Topper said:
Only one I ever has was a magic cam, I think it may still be in the stb, but I have not switched that on for a long long time and currently cannot get in the room where it resides as my daughter has recently come back from Uni with an honours degree in Biomedical Science and dumped three years of accumulated clothes,crap, pots and pans and of course shoes in there so cannot get in the room at all.
I think we can forgive her the shoe fetish addiction which appears to have been contaged by the entire female population of the planet..in light of her success in what I would consider a 'proper' degree....
Her first project involvement should be to try and get to the bottom of this medical condition that has so many sufferers in its grip..
Genetic or Biological ...
This shoe and handbag affliction has so many sufferers in its grip ...and probably responsible for much financial unhappiness within the home.
See the Lintilla and the book for details..
Well Douglas tried to warn us
;)
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COMMENTATOR:
[On recording] Every year the shoes in the shop are either much too wide, or much too thin - or in extreme cases even joined together at the heel. Ho-oohhhh, yes, how we laughed up on the backside of their moon. How we cried with laughter when every last shop on the planet was turned into a shoe shop. How we coughed and spluttered with mirth when the people tried to revolt and we had to send in the foot warriors.
PEOPLE:
[Mass panic]
FOOT WARRIOR:
Do not panic! Lay Down your arms. We just want you to relax and enjoy your shoes.
[Gunfire]
PEOPLE:
[Mass screaming and panicking]
FOOT WARRIOR:
They are very stylish and fashion-conscious. Be Cool. Step out in style. Relax and enjoy your shoes.
[Heavy gunfire]
PEOPLE:
[More mass screaming and panicking]
FOOT WARRIOR:
Relax and enjoy your shoes. Relax and ennnnjjjjoooyyyy... yyyyouuuurrr shhhhooooeeessss...
[The power in the room goes off]
HIG HURTENFLIRST:
Hey-what’s happening? Why are the lights going out? Foot Warrior!
FOOT WARRIOR:
Sir?
HIG HURTENFLIRST:
Go to the emergency power supply.
FOOT WARRIOR:
Can’t sir. I think I’ve got gangrene in the feet.
HIG HURTENFLIRST:
Well then just seize the prisoners.
FOOT WARRIOR:
Sir. Wahh Ooo-ogh.
[ FOOT WARRIOR falls over]
HIG HURTENFLIRST:
Prisoners.
LINTILLA and ARTHUR:
Yes?
HIG HURTENFLIRST:
Seize each other.
[Laser gun fire]
HIG HURTENFLIRST:
Now, w- what’s going on out here?!
[As the laser gun fire continues, the door is broken down]
HIG HURTENFLIRST:
ha-who’s that breaking down the door?!
ARTHUR:
Marvin!
MARVIN:
I suppose you’ll want to be rescued now.
HIG HURTENFLIRST:
Oh yes, please!
ARTHUR:
Not you! Come on Lintilla, let’s get out of here.
MARVIN:
Well, come on then, if you’re coming.
LINTILLA:
Wait! I’ve just got to turn on my crisis inducer. There. Ah. C’mon, they’re after us!
FOOT WARRIOR:
Halt!
LINTILLA:
Down the corridor!
FOOT WARRIOR:
I command you to halt!
ARTHUR:
This way?
LINTILLA:
Yes!
ARTHUR:
That’s up the corridor.
LINTILLA:
All right up the bloody corridor! C’mon!
ARTHUR:
Oh that way. I thought you were pointing down to the -
LINTILLA:
Come on!
NARRATOR:
And so everything points to shoes as being the mysterious “somethings” or “whachamacallits” of which the bird people would not speak. And the curious fact is that the Shoe Shop Intensifier Ray mentioned mere seconds ago is, in actuality, a phoney - designed to make Dolmansaxlil Executives feel they’re doing something excitingly aggressive when, in fact, all they need to do is wait. The Shoe Event Horizon is now a firmly established and rather sad economic phenomenon, which in future times will be taught as part of the basic middle school “Life, the Universe, and Everything” syllabus. Here is a typical computer class from the Bratisvogan Megalycee Unidate 911VCK168:
Scene 6. Int. Classroom
COMPU-TEACH:
Good morning life-form.
PUPIL:
Hi teach.
COMPU-TEACH:
Are you sitting comfortably?
PUPIL:
Yes.
COMPU-TEACH:
Then stand up! Harsh Economic Truths, Class Seventeen. You are standing up?
PUPIL:
Yes.
COMPU-TEACH:
Good. Posit: you are living in an exciting, go-ahead civilisation. Where are you looking?
PUPIL:
Up.
COMPU-TEACH:
What do you see?
PUPIL:
The open sky. The stars. An infinite horizon.
COMPU-TEACH:
Correct! You may press the button.
PUPIL:
Thank you.
[Button is pressed. A surge of energy]
PUPIL:
Wow! That feels nice.
COMPU-TEACH:
Posit: you are living in a stagnant, declining civilisation. Where are you looking?
PUPIL:
Down.
COMPU-TEACH:
What do you see?
PUPIL:
My shoes.
COMPU-TEACH:
Correct! What do you do to cheer yourself up?
PUPIL:
Uhm… press the button?
COMPU-TEACH:
Incorrect! Think again. Your world is a depressing place; you are looking at your shoes. How do you cheer yourself up?
PUPIL:
I buy a new pair.
COMPU-TEACH:
Correct!
PUPIL:
Can I press the button?
COMPU-TEACH:
All right.
[Button is pressed. A surge of energy]
PUPIL:
Wa-ho! So nice.
COMPU-TEACH:
Now, imagine everyone does the same thing. What happens?
PUPIL:
Everyone feels nice?
COMPU-TEACH:
Ah, forget the button! Concentrate! Everyone buys new shoes. What happens?
PUPIL:
More shoes.
COMPU-TEACH:
And?
PUPIL:
More shoe shops.
COMPU-TEACH:
Correct.
PUPIL:
Can I - ?
COMPU-TEACH:
No, no.
PUPIL:
Oh-oooo.
COMPU-TEACH:
And in order to support all these extra shoe shops, what must happen?
PUPIL:
Everyone… must keep buying shoes.
COMPU-TEACH:
And how is that arranged?
PUPIL:
Manufacturers dictate more and more different fashions and make shoes so badly that they either hurt the feet or fall apart.
COMPU-TEACH:
So that?
PUPIL:
Everyone has to buy more shoes.
COMPU-TEACH:
Until?
PUPIL:
Until… everyone gets fed up with lousy, rotten shoes.
COMPU-TEACH:
And then what?
PUPIL:
Why can’t I press the button?
COMPU-TEACH:
And then what?! Come on!
PUPIL:
Massive capital investment by the manufacturers to try and make people buy the shoes.
COMPU-TEACH:
Which means?
PUPIL:
More shoe shops.
COMPU-TEACH:
And then we reach what point?
PUPIL:
The point where I press the button again.
COMPU-TEACH:
Oh, all right.
[Button is pressed. A surge of energy]
PUPIL:
Wa-hoo! Ahhhh… So nice, that’s really nice!
COMPU-TEACH:
And then we reach what point?!
PUPIL:
The Shoe Event Horizon! The whole economy overbalances; shoe shops outnumber every kind of shop! It becomes economically impossible to build anything other than shoe shops, and bingo, I get to press the button again!
[Button is pressed. Another surge of energy]
PUPIL:
Wooo!
COMPU-TEACH:
Wait for permission! Now, what’s the final stage?
PUPIL:
Umm. Every shop in the world ends up as a shoe shop.
COMPU-TEACH:
Full of?
PUPIL:
Shoes that no one can wear.
COMPU-TEACH:
Result.
PUPIL:
Famine, collapse, and ruin. Any survivors eventually evolve into… birds and never put their feet on the ground again.
COMPU-TEACH:
Excellent! End of Lesson. You may press the button.
[Button is pressed. A surge of energy]