Church notices

[Topper]

[SIZE=11pt]Although posted in the jokes section sadly they are real! Those wonderful church bulletins! Thank God for the [/SIZE][SIZE=11pt]<b>church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in [/SIZE]<span>church bulletins or were announced at church services:</span></b>


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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[SIZE=11pt]Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.‘The sermon
tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.[/SIZE]
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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[SIZE=11pt] Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the[/SIZE]
help they can get.
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[SIZE=11pt] Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of[/SIZE]
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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[SIZE=11pt]This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------[/SIZE]

[SIZE=11pt]The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use
the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------[/SIZE]

[SIZE=11pt] And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday:

'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'[/SIZE]

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I have tears running down my face now, what a start to a week :-idiot

 

[Lazarus]

Some good ones there, for sure.