More Jokes

waverider

Salty Tech Monster Bod
Messages
1,729
Likes
0
My Satellite Setup
Protek 9750 HD IP, Spiderbox 9000HD. Cryptik Digital H-H Mount with1.2m Oval Dish and a box in the garage consisting of 2 obsolete STBs, various Cards and a couple of cams!
My Location
South East England
#1
Man walks into the local chemist shop and ask's for a packet of Durex.....the lady behind the counter replies " Sorry sir but we seemed to have sold out.......have you tried Boots?" The man answers " Look luv I want to shag it no kick it!"
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#3
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.



One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary .....".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?
" No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#4
Mr Black and Mr white both die at the same time and arrive at the gates of heaven.
St peter calls ofrward Mr Black first and starts looking through his history file...St peter comments...you've been a good man, you were kind to your wife, a good father to your childern, you went to church regularly and always gave to local charities.
I have just one question for you.
Did you ever cheat on your wife? Mr Black replies 'no never, i was 100% faithful' St Peters nods and says, for your reward, you will get a brand new ferrari every year that your here and you will be allowed to drive around heaven in it, you will also get free petrol for eternity. He handed Mr Black the keys and off he went.

St peter called forward Mr white, he looked through his history file and commented 'you have been a reasonably good man, you were a hard worker, you looked after your family , and you gave sometimes to charities, i have one question for you...'were you ever unfaithful to your wife?' Mr white thought there was no point in lying so said 'yes i was, shortly after i got married i cheated on my wife three times'

St Peter then said...ok you will be given a fiat panda and you will have to make it last eternity and you will also have to buy your own petrol.

12 months later Mr white is sitting at traffic lights and Mr black pulls alongside him in a brand spanking new 355 spider... Mr white looks over and see's Mr black looking very depressed and sad...he rolls down his window and says to Mr Black 'why the long face? You have a beautiful new ferrari and free petrol, i'm driving about in this grapefruit and its costing me a fortune in repairs and petrol....
Mr Black replies 'I've just seen my wife on a bike!'
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#5
Down at the golf club..

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.

The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains,"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
 

rob43

Regular Member
Messages
291
Likes
0
My Location
canaries
#6
expat paul said:
arrrrhggghhhh! rob where do you get them!!!
hi expat paul. usually they get sent to me from friends. if you think they´re corny wait till you read the next one.
 

rob43

Regular Member
Messages
291
Likes
0
My Location
canaries
#7
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.
As she placed her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry. Your duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something" The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led him out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, sniffed delicately at the bird and looked it up and down. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry - but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100 percent a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer
terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she gasped. £150!
Just to tell me the duck is dead!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry, Miss. If you'd taken my word for it the first time, the bill would have been £20. But with the Lab report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.
 

Llew

cerca trova...
Staff member
Messages
14,464
Likes
3,403
My Satellite Setup
Triple Dragon, Dreambox 8000, Echostar AD3000ip, TBS6522,6925,6983 PCie cards.
Gibertini 1.25m motorised dish driven by the AD3000, with either Inverto BU Quad or Norsat / XMW Ka LNBs . SMW 1.05m + 3 other dishes. Speccy: Promax HD Ranger+
My Location
The Flatlands of East Anglia
#9

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#10
The Parable of the Donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on
the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed
some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and
the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were
right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes
that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon
they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were
probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed
the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the
river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as
well kiss your ass good-bye.
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#11
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name? "
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary
***********
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
***********
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry
about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
***********
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour's wife."
***********
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
**********
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
**********
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
**********
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
**********
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
**********
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you
be Jesus!"
**********
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
**********
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
 

Jaffer

Regular Member
Messages
262
Likes
0
My Satellite Setup
Samsung A300W with component output
Hotbird & Astra2
My Location
South East England
#12
Lady Teacher asked the boys: "How many of you wish to go to Heaven?".

Every one raised their hands except Steve.

Teacher asked Steve: "why dont you like".

Steve replied: "In heaven, you will find only priests and nuns - I would rather go to hell where i can meet Madonna, Samantha Fox and others.
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#14
A woman goes into Tesco and tells the assistant she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her
that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a
sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" ! She
explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a
refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her
arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying
that?"
In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED
WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED! HER MONEY WAS QUICKLY REFUNDED!!!
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#15
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper say, You foreigners! Come in.
So the couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some magical sandals I think you would be
interested in. Dey make you wild at s_x."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband felt he really didn't need them.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a s_x freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

The husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MAN !!!"
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#17
Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a p1ss, but there's nowhere to go".
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it"
"Are You sure Mick?"
"Yep, no worries mate"
"100 %?"
"YES!"
So out goes Phil to take a p1ss, but before he's finished, the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil of course, is a goner.

Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.

Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a p1ss-up
session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!"

Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure"

Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site at home, following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming "C**T!!!!"
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#18
What did you think of the SUBTITLES one five posts up?

(Monty Python style skit)
 

Jaffer

Regular Member
Messages
262
Likes
0
My Satellite Setup
Samsung A300W with component output
Hotbird & Astra2
My Location
South East England
#19
Usually builders use some sort of sign language when they are far from each other.



HERE IS INTERESTING ONE:



Supervisor is at the ground and the crane-operator is in the crane say about 100 metre above the ground.



The supervisor wanted to see him at the ground – so he did the following:



He touched his eye, knee and then directing his finger at the operator – that means “I need to see you”.



In turn, the crane operator pulled down his trouser and started masturbating.



The supervisor got annoyed and got to the top of the building and shouted at him “What is wrong with you man ?”



He calmly replied “Sir, I told you COMING
 

kleefarr

Specialist Contributor
Messages
658
Likes
68
Location
Please wait! Searching....
My Satellite Setup
An Android TV Box one. ;)
Sly one gone as of tomorrow.
My Location
Please wait. Searching.......
#20
ELMO

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The
toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired
at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 8:00am.
The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and
begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is
incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is
so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag
of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully
sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your
job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".
 
Top