- Joined
- Nov 18, 2004
- Messages
- 23,991
- Reaction score
- 4,014
- Points
- 113
- Age
- 69
- My Satellite Setup
- Has gone to a good home elsewhere
- My Location
- Blackburn, Lancashire
THE SMILE
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins
and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
CONFESSIONAL
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s_x with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Then why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says. "Ninety!" comments the madam. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
CALLER QUESTION
The famous s_x therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoidcriticism."
OLD FRED
Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away and places it in his jacket pocket.
At Fred's funeral and as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
BEAUTIFUL
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off.
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins
and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
CONFESSIONAL
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s_x with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Then why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says. "Ninety!" comments the madam. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
CALLER QUESTION
The famous s_x therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoidcriticism."
OLD FRED
Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away and places it in his jacket pocket.
At Fred's funeral and as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
BEAUTIFUL
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off.
O-Ha ;) 