Pearly Gates

RedDevil_UK

Specialist Contributor
Messages
1,761
Likes
34
My Satellite Setup
Dreambox 7000S, VU+ Solo2, 1.1m Dish, Moteck SG-2100A DISEQC Motor
My Location
Rochdale
#1
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
 

RedDevil_UK

Specialist Contributor
Messages
1,761
Likes
34
My Satellite Setup
Dreambox 7000S, VU+ Solo2, 1.1m Dish, Moteck SG-2100A DISEQC Motor
My Location
Rochdale
#2
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having s_x because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having s_x."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
 

RedDevil_UK

Specialist Contributor
Messages
1,761
Likes
34
My Satellite Setup
Dreambox 7000S, VU+ Solo2, 1.1m Dish, Moteck SG-2100A DISEQC Motor
My Location
Rochdale
#3
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
 

Topper

Amo Amas Amant Admin
Staff member
Messages
21,542
Likes
3,243
My Satellite Setup
IDD CI24 ECONO MM Penta 1.20 Galaxy II
1.2Mtr Polar MTG yes it has been on the arc for 25 years and is now fixed on 13 East using two pairs of rusty molegrips. Unlike me they never groan but always perform.
My Location
Blackburn, Lancashire
#4
Brilliant....... have to confess the last one had me foxed O-Ha
 

BarMoo

Post Meister
Messages
1,801
Likes
0
My Satellite Setup
2xPace 430N, 1xNokia MM9800, 1xNokia 80cm Sat Dish, 1xGibertini 120cm, Big Fat Furry Puss
My Location
Berlin, Germany.
#5
toppervte33h said:
Brilliant....... have to confess the last one had me foxed O-Ha
Huh? topper the milkie was the real father (I guess?) Whatever, the last one was great and the others were cool too.

Red always delivers perfect laundry - just don't shake his hand when you meet him :eek:

Have Fun.
 
Top