Some very non PC jokes about Liverpool


Amo Amas Amant Admin
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Nov 18, 2004
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Blackburn, Lancashire
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take
that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during s_x?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
A. The policewoman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't
you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool
fan,then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a
Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no
reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time...
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what
would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefits.

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing'.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be an expired tax disc.

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache
of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons
of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian
ladies of the night, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in
Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:"We're all
really shocked; we never knew we had a library."


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Apr 14, 2011
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And now a 10 foot "C" band dish.

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Deep in the Boonies in the central Sierra Nevada mountains of California.
I wouldn't be so hard on someone from Liverpool, in fact a neighbor down the road from me is from Liverpool, and he invented "Self flipping Pancakes" and it's a very simple recipe.

Here is what he gave me.
You take 4 cups of Krustease pancake mix (or more if you have a large family)(Krustease, an all in one pre-mix), add water till the mix is like play-doe (you don't want them to fly apart) add 1 cup of popcorn, use a stand alone griddle as these baby's sometimes fly a couple of meters and you don't want to have them stuck to the vent hood.

Pre-heat the griddle to 450 degrees, shape the pancake to the size you like and plop them on the griddle and stand back, on the second flip catch them with a plate, add syrup and butter and you have a nice breakfast.


Specialist Contributor
Apr 5, 2005
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XTrend ET8000, Dr HD 15, PC/twinhan combination. 80cm dish. GBPVR with 2 DTTV cards +hauppauge Media MVP +Raspberry Pi running XBMC
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Midlands UK
When Knowsley Safari Park was mooted there was an outcry; There'll be dangerous animals. What happens if they escape? They'll have to take their chances like everyone else!