The duck

Topper

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, " Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It 's just we don't get many ducks in this pub..
What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck
and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,
bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town and later that week the ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job,
paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck, "Where is the job?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again, with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages,
and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .















What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??!
 

pgh13

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A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky.
Barman does a double take but decides to play along.
'Any particular brand?' asks the barman.
'What brands have you got?' asks the horse.
'Bells, Teachers, Famous Grouse! There's even one named after you!'









'What, Eric?' comes the reply.
 

RimaNTSS

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
 

PaulR

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Is this the new groanworthy thread?
 

Vipersan

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I got the biggest groaner of the lot...

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says ...why the long face ?
 

Vipersan

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..A travelling Salesman over in Ireland ...travelling down a dark country lane ..
His car suddenly grinds to a halt..
Somewhat perplexed he gets out of the car ..pops the bonnet and proceeds to investigate.
Suddenly a voice behind him says loud n clear but in a thick Irish accent..
Your distributer cap's loose..
The Salesman stands up with a start and bangs his head on the bonnet lid..
Looking around he sees nothing ...no-one around at all .
Back under the bonnet he goes thinking he'd imagined the voice...when suddenly he hears it again.
Now a little frightened ..he emerges again ..and begins to pace up and down looking over walls and hedges..
No one around...except a lonely horse in a field..
Was that you he says in a barely audible whisper ?
Sure was ..says the horse..
Slightly shitting himself in case he was going mad ...he asks again..
Yep says the horse..your distributer caps come adrift..
The man rushes back to his vehicle and looks under the bonnet..
Sure enough the distributer cap IS loose ..he quickly hammers it home ..and without turning to thank the horse...starts the engine ..and shaking like a leaf ..floors it ..
Driving like a madman until he sees some lights in the distance..whereupon he encounters a village pub.
Clearly in need of human companionship and a stiff drink to settle his nerves ..he stops the car and runs into the pub.
A double whisky ..no a treble ..he says to the barkeep.
The barman obliges and seeing his obvious distress asks whatever is the matter ?
Falling over his words the Salesman recounts his tale ..
When he's finished the barman says ...was this a white horse in a field about 2 miles down the lane..
Yes says the salesman ..still shaking from his encounter..
Ahhh to be sure says the barman ....damned good job it wasn't the black one...
Black one says the man..? more than a bit perplexed.
I ENCOUNTERED A TALKING HORSE !!!
Yep the barman replies...
bloody good job t'weren't him ...


He knows feck all about cars...



Now -THATS- a groaner
 
Last edited:

Lazarus

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I got the biggest groaner of the lot...

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says ...why the long face ?
I have visions of a dog sitting by the fire in the Pub, licking his balls.


Chap at the bar says to the Landlord "I wish I could do that"


Landlord says "Go ask - he might let you"
 

Vipersan

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I have visions of a dog sitting by the fire in the Pub, licking his balls.


Chap at the bar says to the Landlord "I wish I could do that"


Landlord says "Go ask - he might let you"
Is that the dog called 'Blacksmith'..??

Why Blacksmith ...well if you kick him hard enough in the balls he'll make a bolt for the door ...

I'll get me coat shall I >>>>>>>>>
 

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What did the Martian say to the petrol pump?

Take your finger out of your ear when I'm talking to you.

Yes, I've been to my first Christmas meal and thought I would share this cracker joke with you all. Coat at the ready...
 

Topper

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Well in the spirit of Christmas and good will to all men etc if this thread is reverting to schoolboy jokes I will add my two penneth

Another leaky boat of illegal immigrants finally drifts to the shore

The first one off the boat is called

Amhere

The second off the boat is called

Amhere Azwel

Yep you guessed it the third one off the boat is called

Amhere Azwell Azhim
 

Vipersan

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A distressed woman enters the vets surgery carrying a limp and apparently lifeless duck..
Its my pet she says ..and I found it like this this morning ..
The Vit'nry gently takes the duck from her arms places on the table and proceeds to examine the duck..
After a few minutes He says ...I'm sorry to have to tell you ..your duck is dead ..
The woman bursts into tears and through yer sobs asks ..are you absolutely certain ?
Can I get a second opinion.
No problems says the vet ..Opens the door and leaves..returning with a large Labrador wagging it's tail..
The dog proceeds to sniff the ducks anus ...stops wagging it's tail and leaves..

Fairly conclusive I think says the Vet ..your duck is dead..
Noooo ...cries the woman what do you know ...I need another opinion..
at which the Vet leaves the room and returns with a ginger Tom..
He places the the cat next to the duck ..
The cat proceeds to sniff the duck ..paws it a little ...jumps down and leaves.
No reaction says the Vet ...your duck is definately deceased ...
Finally the distraught woman agrees and accepts the vets conclusions.
Finally says the Vet ..that'll be £90 please..
That's a lot of money for your diagnosis says the woman..
can you give me a breakdown or the bill ?
Certainly says the Vet ..
That's £30 for my initial examination plus ...
£30 for Lab tests ...and a futher £30 for the Cat scan..







I'll get me' labcoat >>>>>
 

Lazarus

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Captain Jack

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