Try out your comprehension skills on Critics' Corner

[Saturlight]

Yeah, we all did this at school. We were given about five pages of text which we had to paragraph and keep the meaning of the original, to one single page.

So I thought I'd have a bit of fun, and write some critiques of films, as short as possible, but by also retaining the meaning:

THE GREAT ESCAPE: "World War Two prisoners make an elaborate escape attempt only for it to go sadly wrong."

THE OMEN: "The son of the Devil is born into a wealthy and influencial family, who fail to combat his attempt to conquer the world."

THE SHAM-SHACK REDEMPTION: "Bank manager escapes from jail after twenty years of mental, physical and sexual abuse."

WOLF CREEK: "An Aussie nutter murders two girls, and evades capture."

PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE: "A plan nine to conquer the world goes wrong after eight previous attempts".

BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID: "Two cowboys rob banks and die at the end, shot to death by a firing squad of army volunteers."

DRACULA: "A vampire reaks havoc on a Germany community only for himself to die at the end."

CHICOLINA MEETS JOHN HOMLES: "Well endowed man has a seedy affair with a lusty, loose woman." ;)

 

[Llew]

Short and to the point Saturlight. Ever thought of getting a job on a listings mag?

Llew

 

[BarMoo]

CHICOLINA MEETS JOHN HOMLES: "Well endowed man has a seedy affair with a lusty, loose woman." ;)

Can that be bought or rented now - I want it?

.

 

[Analoguesat]

THE MEDUSA TOUCH - A novelist with telekinetic powers wreaks havoc around Britain, kills his parents (with a runaway car) and tries to destroy Windscale....

 

[Analoguesat]

2001 - Intergalactic artifact guides mankinds development from caveman to the space age and beyond.

 

[BarMoo]

Or makes Willy Wonka look clever (i.e. Wonkavision) - depending on which film your kids see/understand first.

.

 

[spiney]

2001 - aliens accelerate human evolution, using giant Mars bars ...

 

[Analoguesat]

2001 - aliens accelerate human evolution, using giant Mars bars ...

Shouldnt that be Believe bars??

 

[BarMoo]

Shouldnt that be Believe bars??

You have a delicious point to make there Anakin, sorry, Analogue [Sorry, chocolate got the force there]. hehe.

.

 

[spiney]

I always thought a known brand name is supposed to be a very valuble comodity, so why the change?

Maybe they're hoping we''ll forget the product is 500% fat and 1200% carboyhdrates!

Delicious, though, I have one occasionally.

 

[BarMoo]

carboy .....

Me thinks you are eating soap there my friend

Mind, I do love the smell of Carbolic soap. Reminds me of when I had to 'paint' [read: treat] the fence every summer as a kid, hehe..

.

 

[spiney]

Sorry, Barmoo, just a simple speling mistake (or, was it a Freudian Slip?).

Methinks we are now well off topic, so ......

WIZARD OF OZ. Young girl gets knocked on head, and starts dreaming about dwarfs and fairies .....

http://www.literature.org/authors/baum-l-frank/the-wonderful-wizard-of-oz/ .

 

[Saturlight]

Short and to the point Saturlight. Ever thought of getting a job on a listings mag?

Llew

Some more:

AERO-PLANE: Comedy - a milk chocolate bar in flight encounters problems but suck-cessfully lands in someone's mouth.

PSYCHO: A frustrated male virgin dons his dead mother's clothes, murders people, and is then caught and locked up in a secure mental home, for ever.

BULLIT: Lots of cars chases result in a top cop getting his men.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER - THE SERIES: A sexy young girl fights evil vampires and has a mature content scene at the end of the series' run, to up viewing figures.

BLUE PETER: Long-running children's TV show in which three or more presenters make cakes, climb big things like Big Ben and raise money for charity.

CORONATION STREET: Long-standing soap opera in which boring people from the same street, marry, have s_x, argue, steal, laugh, fight and sometimes kill among themselves, but never venture out passed Weatherfield.

DR WHO: Avuncular eccentric man travels through time and space, with sexy women and nerdy men as companions.

NEVER THE TWAIN: Short-lived comedy show in which two antique dealers have fun trying to outwit each other, much to the mirth of the audience.

GEORGE AND MILDRED: Seventies' sit-com in which a council-housed-raised middle-aged couple with no kids, embarrass themselves and the people they encounter with their crassness.

That's yer lot for the mo'.

 

[Analoguesat]

The Italian Job (1960's) - tries to prove Minis are cool - and fails......

 

[spiney]

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ...... the ten commandments (!).

NORTH BY NORTHWEST. A 136 minute single-joke movie about Cary Grant's expensive suits.

ET. Rather strange looking stranded passenger must make a reverse charge phone call.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. Lots of flying saucers suddenly start parking wherever they like .... without getting a single ticket!

THIS ISLAND EARTH. Men with strange foreheads must travel to another planet for cosmetic surgery.

THE BIRDS. Do not feed the pigeons.

REEFER MADNESS. Keep off the grass.

BASIC INSTINCT. Mind the gap.

DEEP THROAT. Enter at your own risk.

JAWS. Keep away from the pool edge.

DR STRANGELOVE. Waiting time limited to 20 minutes, on either side.

 

[Saturlight]

VERY GOOD!!!!!
COLUMBO: A dishevelled police homocide detective always catches the killer, but is never promoted.

ROBINSON CRUSOE: Ship-wrecked man lives and dies on a remoted island, with a parrot, a dog, and a bloke called "Man Friday".

ANTIQUES ROADSHOW: UK people arrive at posh locations to show their junk to the experts, who occasionally find a gem.

MATCH OF THE DAY: A leading world or Premiership football match is shown live, or with recorded highlights.

BIG BROTHER: A group of talentless nobodies fight over three months to gain control in a house cut-off from society, by showing off, havings s_x, and arguing, with the winner walking away with £100,000 prize money.

SOME MOTHER'S DO 'AVE 'EM: Luckless knob-head finds love with an attractive girl just like him, but both fail to avoid embarrassing and very funny situations on a daily basis.

HOME AND AWAY: Schoolkids in Australia face pain, relationship troubles, and family disagreements every second of the day.

RAINBOW: A middle-aged man shares his house with three puppets.

THE WOODEN TOPS: A nuclear family made of wood have fun with their dog, Spot.

MARY, MUNGO AND MIDGE: A high-rise flat brings fun galore for a little girl, her dog and a mouse.

MR BENN: A single man spends endless days trying fancy dress costumes on but never buys any.

PEBBLE MILL AT ONE: A bunch of daytime presenters gather at 1pm, Monday to Friday, to look at entertainment news, and things to interest all ages of the family.

Thanks for joining in the fun, fellas.

 

[Analoguesat]

Captain Pugwash - set up an entire generation with innuendoes about "Seaman Stains" and "Roger the Cabin Boy"

Lifeforce - A space shuttle mission to explore halleys Comet discovers a race of intergalactic vampires that menace the human race.

Species - Nubile space critter Natasha Henstridge goes looking for a mate to breed with and spends most of the film running round naked (and killing the potential mates in various nasty ways).

 

[Analoguesat]

Home And Away. - Zero budget Australian production that proved that yes Oz could produce even worse pap than Neighbours.

Prisoner Cell Block H - Gritty Australian cult series set in a womens prison.

Big Brother 7 - Populated by talentless wannabes - just like BB1,2,3,4,5 & 6 in fact

 

[Saturlight]

STAR TREK: A spaceship treks to the stars.

AND MOTHER MAKES FIVE: The sequel series to AND MOTHER MAKES THREE, about a divorced woman with two kids, who then become a family of five because her new husband has a kid, which makes Wendy Craig, her two kids, her new hubby, and his kid - hence AND MOTHER MAKES FIVE!

PIPKINS: An elderly puppet maker has to keep quiet about his puppets, Hartley Hare and Co, who come alive, for fear of him being locked up in a mental home.

LAND OF THE GIANTS: A spaceship from the future crash-lands in a land where giants live.

mature content CLIT LICKERS: A beautiful young lady aged 21 finds love and friendship in the company of other women.

TOP OF THE POPS: Defunct music show once hosted by middle-aged DJs, acting like teenagers.

THE TUBE: Yoof show for the kids, RIGHT!

DOOMWATCH: Doom ensues when no-one is watching. ;)

CANDID CAMERA: An old bloke and his crew of actors take their cini-camera out onto the streets and make fools of the public.

RETURN OF THE VAMPIRE: Much to the surprise of many, a vampire returns.

THE GODFATHER: An old man with marsh mellows in his cheeks and a sore troat exercises his power over people with his ungodly ways and threats of murder.

PLAY SCHOOL: Young, out of work actors looking for a "big break" spend 24 years presenting a show for the under-fives.

MAMMA, OH YES, YOU'VE A BIG ASS: American adult movie with little dialogue, in which twenty very well endowed men start an agreement with a Latin lovely.

WHODUNNIT: Former Dr Who Jon Pertwee hosts a light-hearted crime game show, to help provide work for washed-up actors and comedians.

THE INVADERS: Invaders from another world invade earth, much to one man's annoyance.

 

[PaulR]

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER - THE SERIES: A sexy young girl fights evil vampires and has a mature content scene at the end of the series' run, to up viewing figures.

WHEN? Which episode was that?

I watched all the series and never saw that one.