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gameboy

gameboy

Ding Dang Doo
Messages
4,305
Likes
5
My Satellite Setup
DreamBox 7000s - Nokia Freeview - Several GameBoys - DS Lite - ZX81 - SNES - N64 - Saturn - Dreamcast - PlayStation - PS2 - Gamecube - PSP - iPod - iPhone - XBox - PS3 - Wii - iPad - No Life!
My Location
Scotland
#1
Some classics - NOT all in good taste - you have been warned!

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and
hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen.
Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL.
You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically.
This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
 
gameboy

gameboy

Ding Dang Doo
Messages
4,305
Likes
5
My Satellite Setup
DreamBox 7000s - Nokia Freeview - Several GameBoys - DS Lite - ZX81 - SNES - N64 - Saturn - Dreamcast - PlayStation - PS2 - Gamecube - PSP - iPod - iPhone - XBox - PS3 - Wii - iPad - No Life!
My Location
Scotland
#2
Some more... Not for the easy offended

Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds continue
serving fat bast*rds? Its hardly fair.

Don't waste money on expensive binocculars, simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

Keep old cereal boxes at the bottom of the stairs, should you trip up,
they will break your fall.

I have recently started to m@sturb@te whilst fantasising about
Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am
mature content, straight or a p@edophile What do your readers think?

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady
stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned
out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning
'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke,
immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent
shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish they'd make their minds up.

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
 
BGonaSTICK

BGonaSTICK

Retired Moderator
Messages
5,145
Likes
0
My Satellite Setup
Dreambox 7000, Skystar2
My Location
Brighton
#3
Wonderful.



The most beautifully engineered and politically incorrect manifesto for life on the planet!

Viz is the only thing made out of paper that's worth buying. Oh, and the occasional bogroll.
 
T_G

T_G

The Consumate Dreamer
Staff member
Messages
6,651
Likes
215
My Satellite Setup
1 GigaBlue Quad plus, 1 Dreambox 5620, MOTECK SG2100A DISEqC Motor, 120 cm noname offset dish, Humax 95 cm offset dish and a few UK digiboxes.
My Location
Somewhere where the Sauer is Kraut and the Wurst is Brat
#4
Nice one Gameboy!
 
S

Simba27

Panthera leo massaieus
Messages
150
Likes
0
My Satellite Setup
Comag SL55 receiver. Lidl 0.6 LNB. Lidl 80cm dish. Metronic DiSEqC motor. Phillips Freeview box. JVC SVHS Video .Targa 160GB HDD/DVD recorder. 3 x UHF modulators. 6-way Booster/Splitter.
My Location
Uxbridge UK
#5
I like the old classic:

WEIGHTWATCHERS. Resist the temptation to nibble on that large piece of cake in the fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place you fat b***ards!
 
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